I decided right now to review my current situation and condition, and to share some thoughts I have on the subject. Since writing is cathartic to me, it just seems so right at the present time to “clean out the attic” and review things while sharing what I find.
2012 has been what could be termed a “disastrous” year for me personally. My marriage ended unexpectedly (to me), my family was split up (which devastated me completely), the company I worked for went bankrupt leaving me unemployed for the first time in about 20 years or so. The State of New Jersey has decided to screw with me on UI benefits, somehow citing that corporate bankruptcy and the failure to be paid due wages are not truly grounds for not working for someone. I’ve endured great physical pain and mental anguish, as well as stress levels that I never thought could exist. Financial stress. Loneliness. Change. Despair. Depression. Suicidal thoughts. Self-doubt. You name it, if it was negative I’ve experienced it in 2012.
So, one could say that I’ve spent my 40 days and 40 nights in the desert and am left with one quite complete understanding. “Man cannot live on bread alone.” I can’t live on bread alone. There has to be more.
The “more” has shown itself in so many ways. I learned to embrace Aloneness. I actually find those moments of Aloneness to be quite amazing. I’ve let go of the attachments and ideas that caused me such suffering and despair. I’ve found a love for this life that is not dependent on any other human being. I appreciate employment as a mechanism of happiness in my life that has very little to do with money.
I appreciate the time I have with my children. I LOVE them, no doubt, and cherish each second with them. I see them differently, not as “my children” per se, but as human beings themselves who look to me for guidance on how to make their way in this world. They have to experience things on their own, but their dad is always going to be available to them to help them along in fostering their spiritual Selves as well as dealing with the nature of this world’s insanity. Physical presence is not mandatory, but so welcomed.
I have a renewed appreciation for friends. These are wonderful points of light for me, not just for companionship, but as an expression of who I am. I love these people, and I cherish them. They brighten my day, soften my stance, harden my resolve and basically show me the way on so many fronts. I simply love people, and those who love me back hold a special place in my heart. It is AWESOME.
Love. Yes, Love. To have someone who captures my imagination while allowing me to capture theirs. To count on someone, not just for the minutia of daily living, but for the grander appreciation of who we are both as individuals and as a team. To hold a hand that holds me in return. To be wanted, needed, cherished and Loved. To be accepted in who I am and to not have to assume a role as if an actor in a play. To never be told again how inadequate I am in this role or that role or in my reaction to something. To be able to feel anger and have someone say “I love your rage” or to feel passion and have someone say “that’s sexy.” To have someone who absorbs it all, lets go of it ensuring that it never returns. Amazingly enough, in committing to only having spiritually connected relationships built on a sense of Love and Spirit, I’ve found great joy and security in the promise of what is to come. There are no more relationships built on the physical alone. It must be so much more.
This type of Love is music that calms the wild beast while allowing that beast its moments of rapture. If we can not only give it, but accept it, when we are Home. When we no longer need “hedge our bets” but are enveloped fully and completely in this Universal Truth we are found. When we surrender we discover we have found a great victory.
I am not a victim in the turmoil, I am an active participant who has found great freedom in it. I have found Love, Peace, and, above all, Freedom as I rose from the ashes of what I thought I knew into something I now know. I feel like a flower that has found its way through the cracks in a lava flow after an enormous eruption. To experience that beauty was probably a major reason for the eruption in the first place.
Today I am still dealing with some physical pain and financial stress. I still miss my kids when they aren’t with me. I never feel lonely even when alone. I don’t feel sad, or angry. I feel so much Love in my life that those things like sadness, or anger, or despair rarely have room to exist. I enjoy late night talks with a special someone (frankly, I enjoy those talks at any time of day), and the encounters with people I have never met and friends I love to hang with. I enjoy the promise of this Moment and rarely think beyond it (although, to be honest, I smile when I realize where I think I am going). I enjoy my spiritual practice, sharing kindness, and in receiving Love.
In essence, the End of the World as I Knew It wasn’t such a bad thing. In fact, I feel fine (yes, that was intended). It was a great thing for me. A wise sage once said, “most of us realize that the Sea is the drops of water, but how many of us realize that the drops of water are the Sea?” Well, it took a great challenge I wasn’t sure I would survive to teach me that very important lesson. I get it, and even as I take some beatings in this experience I will always try to hold on to that wisdom.
Peace. Now enjoy this song since you all knew it was coming! 🙂