An Angel’s Lament

I haven’t felt a beautiful poem in ages
All I’ve felt 
Is judgement 
Rejection
Denial.
 
I look at my wings
And am consumed in sadness
They have not been spread in a hundred years
My heart aches
My eyes well up in tortured agony.
 
I tried
Lord knows I’ve tried
But I was not good enough
She who helped me fly
Has only tied me to this tortured place.
 
I failed
Lord knows I’ve failed
I was not strong enough
“Bullshit” I say
I had strength enough for the two of us.
 
I look up to the Heavens
My halo dimmed 
By the clouded sense of memory
I let loose
My tears falling like rain to the ground below.
 
I sit perched upon the Mountaintop
Viewing the flooded valleys 
Filled by my lament
The bright-lit edges of the clouds blinding my eyes
The rays of hope highlighting the darkest clouds.
 
I stare at the place
Where she once sat
Alone I caress the hardened sand
It moves and returns to dust
Just as all things I once loved.
 
I look up to the Heavens and shout
“Take me, I have nothing left to prove!”
A ray of light shines down upon my face
And I laugh through those tears of tortured memory
Knowing that this is exactly what is left for me to do.
 
Have nothing to left to prove.
Have nothing left to need.
Have nothing left to seek.
God, I am so far from that place
As I sit in a huddled mess wishing she were here.
 
So I stand, and walk to the fragile cliff
I gaze at the jagged rocks far below
And then to the Heavens far above
And I realize I must fall in order to fly
I must hit the ground in order to reach the sky.
 
Will these wings take me Home?
I fear not, but I know not
All I know is that I must try
They must reach out and grab the air
They must breathe in a rush of destiny.
 
For now I just stare at this mighty cause
As I look back to that place
Somewhat hoping that she’d return
It’s the uncertainty that binds me to this prison
And a feeling that is begging me to stay.
 
I know I need to know before I go
This is where I am until I am here no longer
Fuck, what part of me asked for this dilemma?
The part of me that loves, that’s who
The part of me that had never known such joy.
 
So I sigh.
So I pray.
So I return and sit at this flimsy throne.
I cannot help who I am
I can only be the best version of it.
 
I can do better
I know I can.
I can make you laugh
Make you sing to the Universe sings your tune
I can love you.
 
I can let go
I know I can.
I can make you smile 
While you hum the tune of love
You taught me not so long ago.
 
I can change
I know I can.
I can be the man you said you loved
While being the dream that makes you happy
If only you would give me such a chance.
 
I can…I can…
I fucking know I can
I shout to all who will listen
Until even the birds above
Laugh at my stupidity.
 
I fall to my knees 
My hands shoulder the weight of my aching head
As tears stain the ground 
And shouts cascade through the air around me
All I need is one, simple, loving touch.
 
Absence
Silence
Ignorance
Just bullshit games and empty words
I understand…I laugh at the premise.
 
In the confusion that is change
The mightiest of oaks split
The temples are destroyed
The ground shakes and the mountains die
It’s only confusing to the mind that is not made to understand it.
 
What is next I wonder?
I feel her coming to me, I need to be clear
This will not work and either will the alternative
But one must be the path I choose
As I stumble to the cliff.
 
I am strong
Much stronger than this
Some voice says to me in unchained defiance.
I have faced worse and fought
I have suffered more and survived
Fuck this shit, I am MAN.
 
Chuckle now…
I am but a boy
Lost in her arms, I have felt such greatness
It’s when she let go that I forgot who I was
and thus began the stumble to this cliff.
 
Come back! I shout
Stop being this and go back to that
Which version is the you you know in your finest hour?
Stop lying, and return
Stop lying, and just go
Whichever, just show me what is truth.
 
I feel a familiar touch upon my wings…
So I sit, so I stare.
It’s all I know I can do.