There are times in our lives when we are tested. This is one of those times for me, and this is what I am learning.
Character is not just who we are when no one is looking. What we call “good” character is also our ability to utilize the sum of our experience as an expression of Love and the discipline to act in accordance with the highest vision of who we are. “Bad” character would be the opposite of this, we utilize the sum of our experience and discipline (or, what may be seen as a lack of discipline) in catering to the fear we feel. Sometimes, the sum of experience is what creates this fear but this has, for me, been nothing but a lack of focus on the miraculous in my experience.
Fear Makes It Easy
I don’t believe this is always the case. I see myself, when born, as a perfect Being. I relied on the physical to satisfy my physical needs, but I was still connected to my Source. I see human “bonding” as the Spirit transferring power over to the mind. We “cut the umbilical” to our Source and transfer that relationship over to the human in order to have our experience.
For some of us, that bonding experience is a beautiful first experience in the human realm. We find human love, and are nurtured into what humanity would call “health” from a mental perspective. For others, that bonding experience is, from a human perspective, a horrible experience. It sets the table for fear to dominate our experience. We don’t feel human love, or we experience what sometimes is dramatic expressions of human fear, and we begin to learn the ways of fear. We focus on that fear, and then live an experience many would consider “toxic”.
Our minds are taught this and our Souls experience it in the most nonjudgmental way. In the severing of the “umbilical”, our Souls allow the mind to take over and the ego is then created. This allows fear to become the focal point of our lives. Even many of those who have what is called a “healthy” human experience focus on fear to some extent. The fear of failure, the fear of being alone, the fear of losing, the fear of death, the fear of illness, and so on. Regardless of how healthy we appear, most of us always find a way to shackle ourselves somehow to some fear in some way. Even courage itself is defined by fear in our ability to do what we “must” in the face of it.
Fear makes it easy. It is much easier to be fearful than to be in Love. Fear seems to be a much easier emotion to cater to. I am trying to reverse that trend in my own experience. I’ve learned (and have the scars to prove it) that fear isn’t easy to cater to, we just naturally fall into an experience that we have learned. It may not be easy for me to perform a quadruple bypass on someone, but it is much easier to a skilled and experienced surgeon because of what he was taught and his experience in using that education. Since many of us learn fear from an early age, it becomes easier to embrace that fear than it is to embrace the Love in is. We are just so damned experienced in fear that we use it regardless of the horrible toll it takes on our bodies and minds.
I’ve often heard fear-based actions called “human nature”. I argue that it is nothing of the sort, it is a learned behavior that makes it seem like our natures. I can show a newborn and suggest that there is none of this nature present there. I can show an infant and not see one ounce of a fear-based behavior. Those patterns are taught, which to me means that we can unteach them and show the truth of human nature. Until taught otherwise, we want peace, we want Love, and we want harmony. That my friends, is our nature.
So today I find mySelf being tested. I have two choices, I can act in fear and “attack” (proverbially) or I can lay down, stretch out my hands on the wood and say “nail me to it, I forgive you”. Last night I was sure I was going on the attack, but after meditation and contemplation my heart has led me to a different choice. I will Love, and I will take my lumps accordingly. I cannot release the grip fear has had on my life without releasing the grip fear has had on my life. So I will give up my desire for self-protection and let it go.
The contrasts are amazing. Last night I felt hurt, unsafe, and fearful. I felt used, and like trust was non-existent. It created such a turmoil within me that I had to breathe and take inventory of it. I felt tense in these emotions, and my mind raced with what I needed to do to protect “me” and my family. I needed a defense, and immediately I built walls and “dug in”. I meditated and asked for clarity when I woke up in the morning because I was aware of this state of being and didn’t like it.
When I woke up in the morning, I smiled. Gone was the expression of fear that had been present that night before. I felt Love well up
within me, and I began my day in pure Joy. I decided that I would let it go, that I would trust in the Universe for what I needed, and that I would not “attack”. Fear would not dominate my existence in this moment, and I would allow things to unfold. I felt free and a complete trust in the Universal nature of things.
I simply do not wish to be an instrument of fear but rather an instrument of Love. My message to the Universe was simple: Let those who are catering to fear do what they will. I can only control what I cater to, and in this moment I choose Love.
There was no anxiety. There was no pain. There was no feeling of insecurity or fear. Rather, there was a steadfast and trusting strength. I felt like I was in a strong Mountain Pose, rooted firmly in my “ground” and immovable in my flexibility. There is pure happiness in this expression, and I was inspired to share it with anyone who wanted to read about it or listen to it. The contrast between the two experiences is a lesson. I had one experience to know the other and to gain an understanding which one I want to experience. I am grateful for it.
This is an example for all of our life’s experiences. When times get tough, remember you are having that experience in order to bring to light the awesome beauty of Love. Embrace the experience realizing that everything around us wants to heal, regardless of what we judge the outcome to be. Healing is the Great Act of Forgiveness, and yes my friends there is healing in the end of all things. There is creation there as well, which is the great act of Love expressing Itself.
Ah…I just noticed I have not felt tension, anxiety or anything other than joy in writing this. Beautiful!
I Choose Love
This is a culmination of a major transformation for me. To know my life’s experience is to understand that this choice I make represents a total, but not complete, transformation. I feel I am nearly back to “where I was” before I was taught fear in the most horrendous ways possible. Yet, just as I am grateful for the fear-based experience of last night I am grateful for the fear I was taught. I have had the experience of fear and now can clearly see not only Love but how much I desire to express that Love in my experience. I want to open my arms and expose my Heart center. I want to bleed emerald green. I want to forgive you and I want to forgive me. I want my choices to be made from a perspective of Love. I don’t want to reject anything. I simply want to embrace something that makes me feel alive as nothing else has.
I believe that in the story of Jesus he loved his tormentors and executioners because he understood the role they played in his experience. In my mind, he was actually grateful for them and for the experience he was having. He could not have experienced pure Love without facing pure fear. He had to have the experience, just as we all do.
Same with the Buddha. He had to experience unending worldly wealth and power, then experience the “horrors” of extreme asceticism in order know the enlightenment he experienced. I believe that we all experience moments of enlightenment but most of us don’t recognize them because we cannot see them. Our experience has not made them clearly visible to us, yet.
So, I choose Love in this present moment. In this choice, the sunrise looked brighter, the birds sounded clearer, and the hot, humid morning air felt comfortable. I embraced my “job” and gave my dog an extra hug. This is what Love feels like…