When Your Soul Cries

The first time my Soul wept for Her was the moment I was born.  Our Souls were once together, wandering across the Universe free from our minds and our stories.  Then, in a moment’s folly, I was born into the world without Her.  A piece of my Soul was lost, a hole was created and a baby cried in fits of sadness as my Soul wept bitterly at the loss.

The mind forgets, sometimes soothed by a mother’s embrace.  It is from here our stories begin and we lose sight of the loss our Souls feel.  We experience.  We find love; the kind of love that satisfies our bodies and our mind.  Still our Souls are lonely, looking for the One who shared a dance across the openness of the Universe once upon a time.

In reality I found Her.  We danced, we touched, we Loved and we knew.  Our Souls embraced and our bodies followed.  Our minds responded with meek translations of the song our Souls were singing.  The Universe responded with joy.  Then the mind, the stories we had created from the moment we were born, invaded.

Now, it has ended, or so it seems.  I feel like a grenade just went off next to my head.  I stare blindly out into space, as a numb ringing invades my mind.  Nothing seems real as I gaze through eyes clouded by the tears I wish would end.  I walk aimlessly, unsure of my direction and confounded by the waves of emotion hitting me from all directions.  I am not even sure if I am alive as I wonder aloud through the haze “is this hell?”

I stumble.  I fall.  I feel pain shoot through my knee as the carpet of my living room tears at my skin.  I can’t react, the rest of me feels numb.  I try to get up but the cross I am carrying is just too heavy.  I look for her, I reach into the empty space around me and I know.  A part of me has died.

I know it will get better.  I know that the pain will end.  What I am unsure of is whether or not the space inside of me will ever feel full again.  I just couldn’t make her happy, I just couldn’t control the demons inside of me.  She gave me what she could, but it wasn’t enough.  No, it was enough, I was just forgetting how great it was.  I saw the past as now, and it tossed a grenade at me that I just let explode as if frozen for reasons as unfathomable as they are unknown.

I “motherfuck” myself.  Why couldn’t I have felt this way before I shared my wounds with her?  I get angry, and that anger lifts me up, cross and all, and carries me to a mirror.  I yell at myself.  I call myself names.  I want to beat the fuck out of the moron I see.  Why. Couldn’t. You. Just. THINK?  Breathe?  Practice?  Know?

Then it hit me.  I will be free from the emotional pain in time.  My body will no longer ache for her one day.  I will find someone who makes me laugh and who takes care of my physical needs.  I know that part will get better with the passing of days but I am not happy in the discovery.  Instead, my Soul starts to weep uncontrollably.

The tears flow down my face as my body crumples to the floor.  My hands are soaked with the salty stains of a Love lost.  I may replace the body and the emotions, but my Soul may never feel Itself again.  It had never before, and perhaps that one moment of Truth in a lifetime of moments had just escaped me.  I let it go because I could not control my fear.  So now I simply suffer.

My Soul cries out to Its Mate, this time there is no reply.  The Song has ended, the Stream no longer flows in this direction.  The lake I once bathed in freely is now a cracked and dried scar reminding me of what once was.  The Sun, the Moon, the Universe Itself seem to be crying with me.  Nothing has color, the breeze no longer blows gently across my brow.  I stare at the hands that once held the Dream and curse them for ever letting go.

Yes, my Soul will weep.  Uncontrollably at times.  My body and mind will carry on as I return to the time when my Soul walked alone.  This time, however, I know the solitude as I feel the wasted promise shoot through my heart.  I know She was out there…waiting and wanting and being.  I know She is out there now, hurting, crying, wishing it all away.  I wonder if Her Soul is crying too, and screaming out for me as I scream out for Her.  I wonder…I know…I can almost feel Her here.

One day my Soul will be free.  Perhaps in that release She will find me.  Unencumbered by the mind we will be free to dance again across the Universe together.  Maybe this time we’ll stay put and dance the dance forever.  Or maybe we will find ourselves once again as babes, crying as our Souls weep for the loss as our minds begin a new creation.  Maybe…