He sat naked and still in the darkness of the night, the glow of his laptop the only light in the room. The artificial light caressed his face roughly betraying his mood. His mind had drawn a blank as his inspiration had left him dry in a moment he desperately needed it. His heart was heavy with the immense sadness that had fallen over him. He seemed alone, completely devoid of the light that had once joyfully shown him the best of what life had to offer.
He could feel her then, coming up behind him. Tears formed quickly in his soul as he surrendered to the moment. Her hot breath warmed the back of his neck and he could feel the familiar wave of life spring from the depths of his body as she approached. God how he missed this moment; that moment when death gave way to life, when sadness to ecstasy, when the lie became the truth. It seemed like an eternity had passed since he had felt this life. Now, the woman he had known as the One once again breathed passion into his soul and love into his heart.
He closed his eyes tightly as a tear cascaded down his cheek. He couldn’t help but know this moment would be their last, even if this moment would not end for million beats of his heart. Her fingers touched his shoulders lightly as she came to face him. He hid his emotion well, allowing the freedom of desire to mask the melancholy in his mind. He wanted her, desperately it seemed. Not just now but then, not just in presence of the truth, but also in the darkness of her lie. He could not help himself as his arms responded to the calling from her soul. He grabbed her hand and gently pulled her down to kiss him.
Their lips touched, and his mind surrendered for the moment. Their lips made two into one as their tongues tasted the life within them. They breathed into each other a solemn prayer as their souls began to speak. He could hear her, clearly, and his body responded without thought. As they kissed he could feel his hands lightly study her face, her neck, her shoulders as the memory from a thousand lifetimes of love returned him to his senses. He could taste her breath and it made him thirsty for the rest of her. He began to kiss her lightly wherever her soul demanded as her body responded quickly to his tome. He could feel her wetness through her clothing, so much so that he nearly tore the threads from her body in the effort to quench his thirst.
His mouth covered her nipples as she forced them into hm by arching her back strongly against his face. His tongue teased them just as she liked as he grasped at her back with his hands. He stopped only long enough to grab her hair as his tongue lightly licked its way up from the middle of her breasts to the tip of her chin. He pulled her hair back to expose those parts of her neck she demanded he taste. His own hardness began to feel her wetness shower him, but despite those requests he stayed true to his cause. They were both so very ready, but he needed more. He needed more of this moment – that moment just before intense desire is satisfied by the indescribable pleasure of entering the gates of Heaven.
She rubbed herself lightly on his hardness as they again kissed. He then breathed lightly into her ear before kissing her neck and lightly biting her shoulders. He stopped and admired her body as he always did, not out of habit, but out of need.
In a millisecond that seemed like an eternity the emotion returned as he realized how much he loved her body. He studied her for as long as he could. He loved the way her hair looked. He adored the contours of her face, her neck, her shoulders. He followed the lines of her breasts, and the hardness of her nipples and knew his version of perfection yet again. He ran his fingers up her back and felt his breath stolen enough to remind him that in this moment nothing else existed. She was imperfect in her human form but, to him, she was the most perfect thing ever created by the Universe. A Universe he could see simply by looking into her eyes and remembering.
That quantum moment ran into the next as his willing cock entered her willing body. They merged slowly, allowing every inch of him to be surrounded by every inch of her. His hardness was swallowed by her wetness until he was completely immersed in her. He had always given everything he could to her. He offered her his mind, his heart, and his soul. There was only one thing left to give, and as he could feel parts of her trickle down his thighs he knew he was close to giving her that too.
Here, within the freedom of Heaven, perfection exists between two people completely in love. They moved within that field of freedom, and as she came the intensity of her climax awakened something deep within him. His soul let loose a cry from its depths as the tears streamed down his cheeks onto his chest. For the first time in their lives together he felt the end. He sensed it, he knew it, and it nearly took the life from him as he moved himself into her as deeply as he could. He wanted to be deeper inside her and to never leave as something screamed at him in a painful cry of realization. The fear caused him to grab at her gently with his strong hands as they too begged her not to leave. Something was wrong here, something called out to him suggesting that his death was imminent and that his time was quickly coming to an end.
He couldn’t tell where this voice was coming from. It didn’t seem like it was inside of him, but it was somehow. It was familiar but strained with the pain of truth. He closed his eyes as he tried to ignore it by focusing on the song of ecstasy being sung from her lips. Still, as the salty streams of knowledge cascaded from within him the chorus became louder. Again she came, and again the wave hit him from within.
She grabbed his face and asked what was wrong. His feeble “nothing” was truth even as much as it was a lie. She looked at him and he could feel her gaze cutting through his layers like a laser. He would never be able to lie to her, but he couldn’t explain to her what it seemed her soul was saying to him. He pushed deeper inside her and their dance continued while his mind sought refuge in the music. When her body finally gave out, he knew it was her soul that was done. It had told him what he needed to know and finally, without question, had quit singing.
Yes, her soul. That soul that had called out to him so many moons ago and had always been his guide was telling him that something was wrong. He swallowed hard in the realization as he heard his mouth tell her the only thing it could. It was him, something had cracked and he was spilling out. He could not tell her that the truest part of her had told him a story that he never wanted to hear. He could not tell her that as he stood there madly in love with her that he was dying a lover’s death. He could not tell her that he knew, and that he would always know her truth.
Those tears are still wept in earnest even as he opens his eyes in this dark room lit only by the light from his laptop. He can feel her warm breath on the back of his neck, but gone are the soft caresses, tender kisses and sincere gestures from a soul dedicated to loving him. Her soul had always called to him, and even now he could hear her begging for him in the middle of the night. Her soul shouted at him even in this moment not to give up on her. It asked him to fight on, to never give up until his body surrendered his own. In the morning light he could still feel her there, and he knew it was her soul telling him that she needed him, and that now more than ever he needed to keep calling out to her. The empty hole in his Being betrayed his own need as he forgave his mind for thinking and his soul for hearing her. He needed her too, and he wanted her once again surrounding him with the paradise he had grown to know as “home”.
Home is where he would go even though, at this moment of darkness he shared with painful thoughts and distant memories, it seemed so far away. The faith she had taught him early on returned in the belief that he would be there soon, and she would be there with open arms and a truthful heart to welcome him once again. She would bring the truth as his guide, and he would honor her for the brilliance of a life lived in dedication to something higher than mind and higher than body. He would love her there as he loved her now as he loved her then, and they would light the world with a solemn promise made in the heat of ecstasy that echoed through time and space.
“I love you.”
No truer words spoken by mortal man were ever uttered than between the two of them even as it had become a lie. It was worth the tears, the pain, and the unshakable dedication to the promise he made when he looked into her eyes as the sweat ran freely from their bodies.
“I will not leave you until you kick me out. Even then, I will only go when my breath ceases from my body and my heart no longer beats.”
We remember, don’t we? Even as our minds create alternate realities we must remember. We must go back to the moments where our cause was the cause. Maybe those three words were the lie. Maybe the mind of the lover is too strong to allow the heart to roam freely in the security of Rumi’s field. Maybe…
Even as I awake from a night of tortured dreams where I can feel her next to me, I question even the voice that once held firm in my heart as something I could count on. Maybe I had never heard her soul. Maybe it was my own mind creating something that never existed. Maybe I wanted to hear her and to matter in a love so great my heart became empty at its loss. Maybe I made the entire story up, and it is nothing more than a fabrication of my mind.
She existed, I know she did. I can feel her there, and as my twisted heart struggles for each beat I can only ask when the lie began. When did she start lying to me and when did I start lying to myself? When did I lose sight of the truth?
One thing is for sure, I know when I regained my sight. On a lonely night when her soul spoke to me clearly and gave me the pain of truth. I bear it now as I’ve bared my soul, and I wear it now as I wear down the body that carries me into oblivion.