This Time…


The weird part was that I thought this would be easy.  I thought once realization happened the rest would come naturally.  That was how it had been before, and in the 45 years I have lived in this existence it had always been a pretty easy process.


Not this time.

This time I have found a hole in my heart unfilled by realization or by diversion or by any other means yet discovered by this Wanderer.  This time each known method of progress keeps taking me back to where I have started.  The realization caused things to “end” (a euphemism at this point since nothing has truly “ended” within me).  Diversions are supposed to lessen the impact and make moving on a smoother ride.  Absence is supposed to work with time to limit the flow of memories and of desire.  “Supposed to”.  In this case it’s just been a rather stark “epic fail”.

This time realization set our feet in concrete to see the end become reality.  Like two ships parting in the fog of night we followed our own currents to different lands.  Like a Lion and Tiger we staked our claim to the prairies of our existence and marked our separate territories with words and actions.  Here is where the story ends for me usually.  Here is where I move on.  Here is where I simply know I have had enough and untangle the web in my heart where she once caught my dreams and held them tight.  Here is where the hole fills, where the beauty of the stars diverts my attention from the beauty of the moon.  Here is where I forgive, forget, and find bliss elsewhere.

Not this time.

This time I sit in stillness weeping on the inside.  This time the stars hold no luster for me.  This time the moon has captured my heart and holds it completely.  This time I feel helplessly surrendered to the soul that refuses to budge from its position.  This time I feel truth in the knowledge that Love is a dynamic that cannot be explained and, to borrow a line from one of my favorite movies, “can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.”

Different from the Terminator is that Love, of course, doesn’t stop even after your body dies.  In It’s truth, Love continues on even when the mind and ego have conspired against it.  In this experience I have learned that the soul sees and only knows Love first and when it finds its mate it refuses to let go.  Your mind cannot handle things in its frailty.  Your ego refuses to allow things based on its greed.  Your soul…well your soul refuses to let Love die even when the ego and the mind demand it so.  I have experienced True Love for someone other than my children in this lifetime for the first time since my birth, and my soul refuses to let go.

My mind harbors no fantasies of reconciliation.  My ego demands I find alternatives to edge my soul out of the discussion.  Yet each act of ego and of mind serves to highlight the strength of my soul’s conviction to its own realization.  At my core I am in Love, and the rest of me can’t help to be in love with that which my soul demands I know.

So, while the breeze from her lips tries to turn the page my soul holds firm to the book.  I can still hear her soul, her very Being, call out to me.  This isn’t a mental thing, it isn’t a psychological dependence on a fantasy.  No, this is something so deep within me that it will bring a tear to my eye at the slightest moment of stillness.  My mind has moved on and is as equally determined to stay there as my soul is to remain knowing this Love it has found.  Imagine that, a battle between the Divine and the man that is completely absent the need for her physical presence.  Imagine she does not need to be in this dynamic for me to Love her, or to need her, or to be faithful to the truth that what my soul has found can never be lost.  Imagine an embrace devoid of the physical that encompasses the vastness of the Universe in its most quantum level.

So why lie about it?  Why pretend that I am not in Love, not with a body that is absent in my life, but with a soul that could never leave?  Men lie too often about what their soul knows as they cater to not only their egoic need for solace but also for the egoic need of others to be the One.  Others may capture my body or my mind but my soul is elsewhere, begging the Universe to be heard.  I wonder if that will change as I wander this place, or if time and space will find my soul’s dream realized in the presence of what it knows.

This time I will search those caves and shine light in places I once feared to tread.  What an exploration this has been as I laugh and cry, dance and sit still, remember and forget all at the same time!  What a realization this has been.  What a journey…

photo by: sgmillionxu2000