I’m not sure when I became so afraid of you.
When the very idea of you began to spook me. When the notion of falling started to send those waves of fear up my spine. When those vibrations of love became so foreign to me.
Maybe it was when I hit the bottom. I doubt it, I found my strength there. Nothing comforted me like those cold slabs of rock bottom on my bare feet. There’s something remarkable about the darkness there, about the certainty and the uncertainty, about the idea that I’ve fallen, but I can get up.
No, I don’t think that was it.
Maybe it was when fall. I don’t think so. The fall is where I found my wings, and even if I wasn’t sure how to use them I was focused on learning. I wanted to fly, but even the strongest wings need time to unfurl. Besides, I hadn’t met the rocks below, and those would become invaluable to me.
If it wasn’t the fall, or rocked bottom, maybe it was the jump. Maybe it was the view from up there on that ledge.
I don’t think so. I sat there, staring at the unknown, questioning the abyss. It wasn’t until I landed that the realization that I feared the fall and the landing set in, and that I had grasped at everything I could to prevent that demise. Yet the fear of falling and landing wasn’t created on the ledge, it just manifested there. I had no idea then that the jump would not be an end, but a wonderful beginning.
I realized that the fear was all created sometime before the fall, and even before the ledge. I was taught stores where the fall was a failure, where the inevitable surrender was sinful, where the death was a certain ending. I was taught to grasp at branches that stemmed from trees planted by others, and that letting go was a sign of mortality to which one could never recover.
I was taught to fear the fall before I even knew there was a ledge. I was taught that clawing at empty air had a value, and that being fixed was the most value I could bring to another’s life. I was taught I was broken…
And then I chose to accept the lessons, to become an idle participant in a life I was given to live.
I was lucky. I found great acceptance of the loss of my former existence. I found unending value in the loss of all I once held dear. The choices of my life were shown to me, and as I accept full responsibility for my life those choses began to change, and I started to make new agreements.
New agreements. A rebirth. A mighty bird risen from the ashes.
And now the truth.
I am not afraid of much anymore. I’ve been dragged to the ledge. I’d been forced to look over the precipice, and then I was pushed.
But I decided to fucking land. And I decided to dwell there for a bit.
Now, I’ve decided to fly. Fearlessly spread these fucking wings, embrace the wind, and fly.
I don’t fear you. I love you. I embrace you. I see you. Your fear does not scare me, and your past has no authority over me. Your decision to stand your ground has no bearing on me as I decide to jump, and perhaps your hearing my screams of ecstasy will propel you to not look back as you take one foot over the threshold and…
I’ll catch you and we’ll fly together. We’ll shine brightly on the world’s horizon, and we’ll burn brightly is the fortunate stars in an eternal evening’s sky. we’ll share the value of some great cosmic event of which very few will even notice.
Or you’ll decide to remain firmly in your space. I will love you from the ether but in the ether I will be. You’ll embrace the security of frozen ground, the knowing of a past repeated in resistance, the realization that some dreams are best kept at a distance.
It’s a silly thought, this wondering. It is a frivolous worship of a future never set in stone, a prayer to human stupidity and a gospel to nothing that has ever worked before. If the bedrock taught me anything it is that there is no greater value that loving the struggle on the mountain, finding joy in being pushed off a cliff, and basking in the wonder of a free fall over which you have no control even as responsibility is being learned.
The fantasy is a lie, of course. So, I’ll just sit there and admire you from across the table. I’ll just embrace the jolt of power I get as you take my hand in yours. I lay in the sunshine of your smile and not think about another fucking thing.
How’s that for a lesson? In an instant I grasped at straw upon a hill, was pushed from a ledge, felt the wind flowing around my skin and landed upon a wonderful awareness. In less than a blink of an eye I lived, died, and was reborn. I lived in past, died in a future, and was reborn squarely in the arms of a present moment where I could feel nothing but certainty and love.
That is where I live, in spaces unafraid of the story, unfettered by what could be, inattentive to much beyond the beauty sitting across from me and the smile that seems to light up an entire section of the Universe. Fuck the rest of it, it’s just nonsense.