There are times when my naturally joyful, loving, serene self needs a rest.
There are times when I’ve had enough, when it is time to let the Lion roar and have the world take notice. There are times when patience is a virtue I cannot offer and when my kind hand must recoil and return to its home.
There are times when I can’t hear your issues, or your problems, or your drama. There are times when I can’t center my heart on your needs, or your desires, or your comforts. There are times when my attention must return to its home, to the place where it was born.
There are times when I want to be loved, when I want to feel desired, and considered. There are times when I want to be chased, to have appreciation offered not out of some guilty recompense, but out of a sincere love for me, the man. There are times when I want to feel supported and cared for, loved and wanted.
There are times when my beloved words just will not come, and I sit and stare at the blank canvas of my life. There are times when I beg the Universe for some feeling, for some warmth, to course through the numbness. There are times when I just feel so fucking cold that even ice warms my limbs.
There are times when I throw up my hands in complete surrender, when I am ready to just give in completely. I’m ready to withdraw, to fall absently to my knees, and forget that a world beyond my hastily built walls even exists. There are times when I remember things I know I will never be able to forget, and forget things I pray I will never remember again.
Yes, there are these times. These god-damned fucking times when the only words I can seem to muster are, “fuck it.” These times when I give up on every one and every thing around me. These times when I have nothing left to give.
Yet, you will see my calm face and my warm smile. You will feel my strong arms hold you up when you are ready to fall. You will find my steady hand reach out for you when you need help off your knees. See, there are times when I am just a man, but there are never times when I am not who I am.
There are no times when I won’t let you feel the love that keeps me going. There are no times when I’ll hide the joy that defines even moments like these. There are no times when you call and I won’t respond, when you cry and I am not there to offer something to dry your tears.
You will see my shoulders rise even from the pits of despair when you call on me. You will see me stand tall despite the weakness in my legs when you need to be carried. You will see me hold firm against the onslaught when it is a warrior you seek. You will know me, maybe not as some painting of an enlightened soul, or as some sculpture of a god, but rather as a man. A man who succumbs. A man struggles. A man who always rebuilds.
There are times, in this awesome circle of life, when I need you. There are times when the idea of you lifts me out of the mud. There are times when the thought of you brings a smile in the drudgery, and then there are times when the thought of you cause me to curse the empty space where you should be. There are times when I want to be alone, but then there are times when all I can do is reach for you in the darkness, and utter a silent prayer that one day you will be there too.
There are times. So many times.