I’ll never forget the last time I met the wolf. It was the darkest moment of my life, a moment when I had to choose between living and dying, between change or rotting with my demons.
How I got there is a long story, perhaps something more in line with a book than a blog post, but suddenly I was on my knees in the snow, watching my kids play through windows and tear-soaked eyes. I knew then I needed to live, and in order to live I needed to change.
My eyes were swollen with rage and sadness mixing like the salt and water running down my cheeks. I lowered my head to the snow and scooped up handfuls of it, hoping to lessen the swelling. I heard a familiar friend growl at me, and I felt a bit of relief. A growl may instill fear in some, but to me that sound meant survival and strength.
“Look at you,” said the Wolf, “on your knees sobbing, thinking you should die.”
“Yeah,” I replied, “I am weak.”
The Wolf laughed, and I could feel the heat of his breath lift the hairs on the back of my neck.
“It’s the weak ones who continue to stand though they should be on their knees. The strong ones fall to their knees when the time comes because it is only the strong who know they can stand back up again. Weakness is not what drops you to ground. Weakness is what keeps you there.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“You will when the time comes for you to stand. Rising is not for the weak or the faint of heart. Only the ones with the guts enough to live and to fight for their lives know what it takes to get back up. Tell me, do you want to kneel in the snow forever?”
“Of course not,” I replied.
“Then what is it you want?”
“I want to be happy. I want to be a good dad. I want to be a partner someone would never want to lose, or I want to be alone. I want to stand tall, proud of who I am, and I want to be healed of everything that has led me to this place. I want not to live, but to be alive.”
“What are you afraid of?”
I thought for a minute or two, or maybe even an hour. Time made no sense to me at the moment, I was lost in thought and had surrendered to contemplation.
“I don’t know actually,” I replied finally. “I only know the pain that got me here. I don’t know any other way to be. I’m a broken boy who grew into a broken man, and I just wish I could end it all.”
“Hhhhmmm,” said the Wolf. “You have two ways to end it all. Kill yourself or change yourself. It seems to me you’ve chosen to change yourself. That choice is the first step in standing back up, and you’ve made it. So stand.”
“I don’t know what to do once I do.”
“Ha! Yes you do. You’re just afraid to admit you know exactly what needs to be done. You know, when I’m hungry I hunt and, when so blessed, I eat. When I’m tired I search for a place to rest and I sleep. When the time calls me I let my voice echo in the wilderness.”
I felt him sit just behind me, quiet for a moment as he searched his soul for something to add.
“It’s actually very easy. You want to be happy, make choices that bring you joy. You want to be a good dad, be a good dad. You want to exude honor and character? Be honorable and committed to your truth. You want to be healed? Then fucking heal.”
“When you are hungry, hunt, even though you know you may not eat. You control what you can, and let things go as they will. If you go to sleep hungry it won’t be for a lack of hunting. Things will not always work the way you want them to, but if you do your best, you have nothing to be sad about.
“When you are around your children, do your best. Teach them well so that they may never end up in the snow like you. They will fall to their knees, teach them to stand. They will be sad, point them to joy. They will fail, teach them that the success is in hunting, not in eating.”
“When your character is tested, be impeccable with your word. State your truth, and honor who you are. Strength is not the only thing you’ll need to be honorable. You will also need courage, and a lot of it. People will leave you. People will fall away, but those that stay are the ones you want around.
“Once you are happy with who you are, do not change who you are for anyone. Let the ones who can’t accept you go. Let the ones who love you and your truth into your heart, for they will build the community that sustains you. If you must be alone, be alone, for you will always be in the company you want to keep when you truly love who you are.”
“Do not assume you know anything other than your truth, which is no assumption at all. Others may have a treacherous path to climb that you may not wish to walk. You have no responsibility to unless it is part of your truth. Others may be mired in fits of disfunction. That is not your responsibility. Just as no one helped you out of your darkness and no one pulled you out of the snow, let them find their own way. You may offer a hand of assistance if your heart leads you to do so, but it should never be forced, abused, or coerced. Adhere to your truth, and let that truth guide you.”
And finally, when you understand your truth and allow it to be your compass, do not take anything personally. You will be tested, so always try your best. Again, the success is not in the eating, but in the hunt, so always do your best to honor your truth, make no assumptions of what you see around you, and provide no target for the stones others throw.”
I breathed a heavy sigh. It wasn’t one of frustration or fatigue, it was one of relief and preparation. I knew what I had to do.
“You always come when things look bleak,” I said. “I honestly hope I never see you again.”
The Wolf shook his head and laughed a deep laugh, one that seemed to go on forever.
“You dumb motherfucker,” he said. “I’ve never left you. I am inside you, dumbass. I am a part of you. I don’t leave and then come back. I don’t just exist when times get at their toughest. I am always there, it’s just that you don’t see me until there is nothing left to see. So, just be clear, I am not going anywhere. Your growl, which will come often, is my growl. You tears are my tears. Your existence is my existence. The path I just laid out is the path you’ve always known but were just too afraid to take. Nothing that happens here is because of me. Everything that exists in your space exists because of you.”
“So, now get to work and stop this nonsense once and for all. We are going to stand, and we are going to walk this path.”
I stood and dusted that now freezing snow off my pants. I looked through the window at my kids, still playing without knowing a thing that had happened just outside those windows. Another big sigh, but this one because I wasn’t sure how I was going to face my soon-to-be-broken family.
Before that sigh ended, though, it turned into a growl. I walked to the front door and entered the house, and then heard my kids running to greet me. I hugged them tight, tighter than I had in months, and nothing has been the same since.
May you find your wolf, and your inner growl. In love and strength…