Tag Archives: Healing

She Shall See Again (A Poem)

Through twisted tales of Neverland,
A soul that’s born as thee,
Was told a lie that many tell,
That blind girls cannot see.

In misty dreams and darkened caves,
Her heart was bent and torn,
Yet through the dust and crimson grime,
A warrior was born.

One day to never doubt again,
One day to never bend,
A warrior’s snarl shall crest her lips,
When she shall see again.

She heard an honest poem once,
A man who loved her so,
She could not drop her sword and run,
Her shield would not let go.

Through words and whimsies she told those lies,
She thought that she was blind,
One day she’ll come to realize,
The blindness was in her mind.

One day she’ll rise to claim her throne,
She’ll decide just where and when,
In that moment a Sun shall rise,
And she shall see again.

~TG

photo by: porph

A Solid Truth

Through the numbness gaze I see
Cloudy, murky, beholden to the current
Leaning, listing, the stormy sky emblazoned
Calmly, the whitecaps form.
 
Through the blinded folds of skin I feel
Nothing, lost moments, surrounded by light everywhere
Laying still yet falling into the whirlpool
Rising, the foamy surf left evidence to the dying.
 
Lovely, I’m lost to the bliss of my own ignorance
Awakened in a moment, I cannot stand to shout
Aware in a flash, I cannot look to see that spark
Forever changed, the light enters me where I am wounded.
 
But such is the way of great fortune
To be wounded but alive
To be silenced but not forgotten, then heard again
She reaches for the coldness and brings a warmth renewed.
 
One wobbles, but does not fall
One stumbles, but finds sure footing
Somewhere, beyond the certainty of the next step
Comes the power of where the feet now stand.
 
One regrets, but accepts what cannot be changed
One worries, but gives himself to the great Ocean on which he lives
There, in the horizon that we call our home
Come the Sunrises and Sunsets that define our days.
 
Goodnight, dear, see me in your dreams
Goodbye, friend, hear me in your laughter
Feel me as the waves caress your feet, as the Sun warms your face
Know me when the light appears as a new day comes.
 
There is nothing to fear there, in the waves
Dance like you’ve never danced before
And know me there, everywhere
No surrender, no retreat, just calm acceptance of the Warrior.
 
Now, let’s go, to that healing place
Let’s bask in the warm water
Play in the lush fields where the color is blinding
And hold this moment dear.
 
Let’s leave the worry to others
Go crazy in the surf, find ecstasy in the sand
Together, as lovers sitting on an Earthen altar
Together in every breeze, in every wave, in every squawking seagull.
 
There is heaven.
There is hell.
There is everything in between
And it is there that we will find ourselves in a solid truth.

I Long for Winter

Silence.

What is wrong with basking in the silence?

What is wrong with the aloneness of nothing’s sound? Where is the error within this isolation? Within the miracle of those spaces caught between the notes, within the sweet sound of creation stuck within the cracks of what we see as destruction?

From somewhere comes a sigh. From outward poses of false realities come awkward words of truthful fantasies.

I walk along trying to find the mindless footprints I’ve cast in the hardened bedrock of my life; wondering why some fear the sturdiness of this place, why they search for escape by looking for the invisible tracks they swear they left behind.

I question, they don’t respond.

They react.

Read more here…

photo by:

What Absolutely Beautiful Ugliness I Am

被遺棄的商場 Abandoned shopping mall / 中國海南三亞 Sanya, Hainan, China / SML.20140506.6D.32068.P1.BWHow could I feel melancholy?

I lay here, alone in my bed, the sounds of nature coming in through my open bedroom windows, wondering about such things.

My life is so beautiful. I have the love of three children, and the tender smiles and life-altering dramas of my little ones to grace my days. I have physically moved into a great space, with the harmonies of nature singing me to peace, and a cool breeze lightly filling the space where shortly I will fall to sleep.

I have beautiful people in my life. I have friends who mean so much to me even if I never quite find the right ways of expressing that great fortune. It isn’t that I don’t care. It’s just the opposite. I love them with all of my heart, and they are in many thoughts and deeds during my day. No, it’s not a lack of emotional love that keeps me silent.

Sometimes I just feel as if I need the distance. Not physically. Emotionally. I feel that I can love them best by not needing them, by not having them need me. I feel that I can do my thing in a way that allows them to do their thing, and that I best fly when not feeling constrained. See, I tend to crash into walls. And walls hurt.

I know, that the idea that pain is impending is an assumption, and making assumptions violates my own agreement. Yet at some point in life one must wonder where assumption-making ends and experience takes over. No, not every shard of glass is sharp, but experience tells me that if I walk on shards of glass I will end up cut and bleeding. I have the scars to prove it, and frankly I have no great desire to need more stitching.

More analogies and metaphors rush into my head like waves of a stormy sea. So far I’ve crashed into figurative walls and walked on ideological shards of glass while soaking in tsunami after tsunami of frothy, wind-swept ocean water. I’ve

I’ve hurt those I love the most, loved those who have hurt me terribly, and lived in the shadow of death.

heard echoes about my footsteps in the sand, how I was carried by some savior whose name I can’t remember out beyond some horizon I never seem to stand upon. I’ve cursed some saints and loved some sinners while not quite understanding the meaning to even my own questions. I’ve hated and loved, and pushed away some things I certainly should have held on to. I chuckle at the irony of it all.

I’ve choked on the very ocean water I love so much. I’ve become ill listening to my fears, and I’ve honored those fears as the very things that I’ve used as footholds on my trip to the summit of this life. I’ve been burnt by the fires that have warmed me, and I’ve grown blind in the very light I’ve used to light my way. I’ve hurt those I love the most, loved those who have hurt me terribly, and lived in the shadow of death. I’ve grown afraid of not knowing fear, and I’ve discovered that I find my truth when facing the monsters I’ve long held captive in the closets of mind. I’ve argued with others, but no more than I have argued with myself, with the voices implanted in me from birth often arguing with the voices implanted in me before birth. I’ve traveled enough in my own universe to know that there is no such thing as empty space, and I’ve heard the chorus sing through one, unified voice urging me onward even in the most wonderful moments of stillness.

Then there is that one voice I hear. The bastard macho fuck that won’t shut up until he gets his way. I know him well, and I fight him hard.

No, motherfucker, I won’t stop whining and I won’t stop complaining. I won’t “man up”, whatever the fuck that means. I won’t stop, and yes, I’ll let my panties get into a bunch. I’m sick of your rules too, and I plan to break every one of them until I am done here. In our time together you’ve kicked my ass and I’ve kicked yours to equal measure.

I’m not sure either of us has ever truly won anything in the process, although I’m pretty sure we’ve both loss plenty. We’re stupid that way.

Yet, I’ve met some beautiful people along the way. People who accept me even in the distance, people who feel close even when my heart is dancing among those stars neither of us can really see. I walk through the crowded room where I’ve put those memories and I smile broadly when saying “hello” to each of them. I remember the hugs, the kisses, the stories, the conversations. “I love you,” I say to each of them. They respond, “I know you do.”

I’ve seen some beautiful places while playing here. I’ve been fortunate to see so much in this journey, and to find the hidden caves of this place I could always call home if given the chance. I’ve seen flat land, my beloved high peaks, and the sandy ocean waters I now call home. I’ve gotten wet in viscous southern storms, kissed the snows of high altitude, and dove deep in the clearest seas I have ever bathed in. I’ve flown high above the clouds and felt the pressure of the deep, and I’ve floated on the surface of things when the people I love were floating there, too. I’ve had wealth, lost plenty, and felt the most loneliness a man could ever feel. I’ve been blessed with what my mind calls the “good” and the “bad”, and I’ve come through the day to see the night and then lived to see the sun rise again.

Yeah, I’m blessed. I’ve learned how to stand up on my own two feet without the crutches I’ve been told I’d need. I’ve learned that sometimes I have to crawl, even through the mud. I’ve learned that even the tone-deaf can find the right note from time to time. I’ve learned that I can make my kids laugh until their sides hurt. I’ve also learned that sometimes that is all we need; to laugh until our sides hurt. I’ve learned that thinking, acting, and being just like a kid is sometimes the cure for what ails me. I’ve learned that I love being alone because I love the company I keep there, and I’ve also learned that sometimes there is nothing like a great hug, a tender kiss, or that something more that highlights just how wonderful some people can be.

I guess when I look back I realize that the weatherman doesn’t always need to be right, and that sometimes it is just perfect to get soaked to the bone when science says the sun should be shining. Sometimes it is nice to be the only one on the beach because the experts have said it would be raining cats and dogs. Sometimes it is wonderful to just be wrong, to make that one mistake that sets your life on fire. It is especially wonderful when you realize that you already hold the tools necessary to put that fire out, yet you just sit and watch it burn for a while.

One day I will be done here. Then, I’ll be grateful for that one late night I spent writing about the idiosyncrasies of this experience.

I’ll be grateful for those wanderers who find value in these words I’ve thrown together, who seek out their own recipe even in the cookbooks found in other homes, on other shelves, written by other chefs, yet who invariably end up cooking the meal the way they want to with ingredients of their own choosing. I’ll be grateful for the loss that made room for so much gain, for the pain that exposed the pleasure, for the night that showed me the grandeur of each and every day.

After all, what is the good without the bad? It is, frankly, my horns that hold my halo in place. Or, perhaps, it is my halo that makes my horns just so fucking delicious. Hhhhhmmm, I’ll have to ponder that one for a while.

photo by:

A Moment Cherished

lovers“Who are you looking for?” came a voice in the night.

“You,” I responded. “This, us, everything.”

This is how it happens for me. In the darkness of night I hear her, and in the throes of my slumber I can feel her. There, I can look into her eyes and feel it, and there I can touch her hand and know a truth that is, and has been, a certain reality.

“I’m happy you were patient,” she says, touching her hand to the place where my heart resides. “I’m happy you were there when I called for you, and I’m happy I was here when you finally arrived. I’m happy your arms were empty when I reached to embrace you. I’m happy we both were tested, and that we have finally reached our place, our time.”

The look in my eyes spoke total agreement as my beating heart sung the praises of a moment fought for, a moment cherished.

My mind first wanted to travel backward, to the scattered remains of lessons learned and of things lost. It screamed for attention to the bandaged places, but when I looked there all I saw was light. It wanted me to revisit old pains and distant agonies, but my heart had set the bridges to those places afire, turning them into impassable piles of ash.

Her lips drew my attention back to the place on where we stood, together. I could feel the sturdy sands of our beach give way slightly to my bare feet as we kissed, the warm surf surrounding us in our moment of pleasure. The sea tugged at us, wanting to pull us away from our place, but our root held firm as our passion grew. There was no other place out there; for us there was only the here, the now. As the Earth held us tightly, the air embraced us gently as the sea issued its sweet song of surrender.

Here is love, and here is where it will be.

My mind then wanted to travel forward, into times not yet created but certainly well-known. In the fear of a moment never seen before, the mind wanted to find security in what it had known, and in the process created tomorrow out of yesterday. For a moment I could not feel the soft sand beneath my feet, but only felt the stony beaches of yesterday. I wondered if those rocky coasts were my future paths, and if the lies uttered by a hundred mouths before would one day be said by the lips I so eagerly tasted now.

Now. Come back, now. Please listen…

Her hand on the back of my head brought me back to our place. It is said that tears are a release of stories kept deep within the soul, and I release mine as my mind surrendered to what the rest of me was screaming. I listened as fear raised a white flag to the moment, surrendering to the passion, to the promise, to the reality of a moment cherished. There were no more footprints in the sand save the ones we were rooted in, and there were no more doubts in the bedrock of water and sand in which we now stood. The miracle was that the sun had risen as though it had never, ever set.

Our lips parted and we looked deeply into each other’s eyes. I could see the trail of tears on her cheeks that framed her beautiful smile, and I smiled in return as she wiped the last vestige of old stories from my face. I knew, then, that she had traveled far as well in our cherished moment, and that we had not only shared a collective peace there, but also an individual journey in the seconds we first felt a new reality. Some connections cannot be explained, or reasoned. They can only be known, and when two hearts know that connection as truth, nothing can stop the dream from becoming real.

“Thank you for waiting, my love,” she whispered.

“I had no choice,” I responded. “You were always speaking to me, always there. Even in the darkest hours I could hear your voice begging me onward, reminding me of things not yet done, and places not yet seen. Thank you…”

She hugged me tight, no other words needed to be said.

We looked down the beach, deciding silently to head in that direction, to everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Our hands embraced as we splashed along the way, laughing and talking the entire way toward each sure footfall, each telling footprint in the sand.  Our night was drawing to a close.

I awoke with a smile and a renewed feeling that change was coming. The emptiness in my room became filled with birds singing from beyond walls through cracks the windows would provide. I had never seen it so bright on such a cloudy morning, and even as the humid air stuck mildly to my naked form there was a sense of comfort there. There was always a sense of comfort in surrender, in knowing that control was only possible over the choices I would make. In those moments my anger over the lies of others in their untrue testaments of truth and promise would end. It appears those souls were simply unconscious leaves from the tree of life that the wise wind had taken away.  They were malformed to my purpose but certainly valuable to another’s, and the release became a testament to the promise kept to the one who will be waiting.

There is great service in truth, in surrendering to the will of the wind and the great sands where we stand. There is a great love shown in letting go of the pieces that just don’t fit for they, too, deserve a true moment cherished.  How many square pegs continually grasp at round holes believing that with great effort will come a perfect fit, all the while finding the work undertaken is destroying both pieces. We deserve to be honored, to be cherished, for who we are by those who need not change to cherish us.

We all deserve our truth.  Once we discover what that truth is, I mean. Until then, we all deserve our illusion separate from those who can’t live within it.

As for me, I have vowed to remain true to that which I am seeking, knowing full well that it, too, is seeking me. I cannot return to the human expanse of barren promises and broken dreams that I know all too well. I not only burn bridges that would take me back to those places, but blow them up with an abiding attachment to my own sense of truth. It has taken me a long time to arrive, and I’m not giving up the hard-earned ground I’ve traveled for a sense of human security which is, of course, a human frailty. Each experience teaches me, each dream fulfills me, and each cherished moment reminds me of who I am.

I love even the round holes to my square peg. They are beautiful, which is one reason I don’t seek to change them more to my liking. While I do wish they’d stop trying to change me to theirs, I understand who they are and where they stand. We often seem to fear uniqueness, we seem to fear that which reminds us of what we’ve created as a painful truth. We seem to fear aloneness and become fearful of those who don’t. We fear being different, and work hard to fit into places we truly do not belong. “If I need to change to make them happy, why don’t you need to change to make me happy?” seems to be a mantra of leaves unaware that they, too, are simply blowing in the wise wind. We often don’t seem to learn that the “one” will never arrive if we are busy holding onto the “wrong one”.

So, yes, my lover, I am letting go. One day there will be a light so bright as to blind us both to everything not within it. There I will go, even if only within the confines of my slumber, to let you know that I, too, am waiting for our moment cherished. I know it is coming.

photo by: ( (( marS )) )

What is Surrender?

German soldiers surrendering to personnel of The Edmonton Regiment / Des soldats allemands se rendent aux membres de l’Edmonton RegimentSurrender is, simply, an act of love, the description of which is determined by our current states of mind.

I could end it with that, and be done with the discussion. Yet, I’ll surrender to the need to expand on it, and to share some personal experiences and insight. There is an act of surrender in everything we do, and we can see it simply by shifting our focus.

We aren’t taught the art of surrender in our society. We are taught that surrender is an act of weakness reserved for losers. We are taught that quitters surrender, and then we make an agreement to agree with the various negative descriptions of surrender we are given. In essence, we surrender our experience to the egoic definition of strength, weakness, winning and losing.

I used to see surrender as an act of fear, and the refusal to surrender as an act of “heart” or courage.  Yet, I’ve discovered that even what we view as a refusal to surrender is, in fact, a surrender. I make dozens, if not hundreds, of choices to surrender each and every day. Perhaps I choose to surrender to old behavior patterns. Maybe I choose to surrender to new perspectives. Maybe I’ve decided to fall into old ruts, or perhaps I’ve decided to make new footprints. Either way I am offering myself to the choice, I am surrendering to the experience of either renewing old agreements or creating new ones.

There are instances when events that seem out of our control become difficult to surrender to. A job loss, a relationship that ends, an illness, or any event that seems beyond our control can set us off on a tangent of suffering simply by our seeming refusal to surrender to the event. Our refusal to surrender doesn’t mean we haven’t surrendered, it simply means we refuse to see that we’ve surrendered. We have, by either surrendering to the refusal or by surrendering to the event.

You can’t refuse to surrender, you can only recognize your choices on what you surrender to. Those choices will reflect your current states of mind, and you can begin to see (become aware) of where you are simply by observing what choices you have made.

Do I curse the company that I used to work for or do I embrace the change? The answer will help me discover where my mind is, and to what master I am answering to.  Am I attacking my old lover and trying to make them suffer? Again, my answer will show me what master I am serving. Am I afraid of the changes coming or eagerly awaiting their arrival? Yes, you guessed it, the answer will tell me everything I need to know.

We are all given choices to make, and often those agreements became a simple choice between acting in the illusion of fear or acting in the reality of love. While love allows us the illusion of fear, fear does not allow for the reality of love. What we surrender to is our choice, and our experience will directly result from which we agree to have. We are all-powerful creators, and we create our existence within each and every moment. We simply need to surrender to the experience we wish to have.

Peace.

A Pure and Holy Selfishness (An Introduction)

“Selfishness is one of the qualities apt to inspire love.” – Nathaniel Hawthorne

 

Sidewalk Stencil: Love knows no boundsI wander, in this windswept world of ideas and thoughts, and wish I could escape it all.  Yet, the wish is yet another idea, part of the mind, and it seems as if there is no liberation from the voices in my head.

My soul, my essence, my spirit, has apparently decided it wants to play in the land of the Great Known. Here, everything is judged, defined, and falls under certain rules we must all live by. Judgment is a part of the breath of our physical form, for even the very act of being non-judgmental is an act of judging itself. Beneath the conscious parts of ourselves lies an undercurrent of patterned behaviors, of instilled thoughts and ideas that can only be vetted by the amount of suffering they cause. It seems as if the world around me is devoted to the act of suffering to the point where even the practice of detachment is devoted to it.  We suffer in the fact that we must become detached from those things that make us suffer, never realizing that it is the suffering itself that is an arrow pointing toward places of pure joy. Yes, Eve, it is possible to revisit the Garden of Eden, but first you need to wake up from your nightmare.

I am fortunate. I live in a society where, traditionally, being white and having a penis is an immediate advantage. Yet I feel distinctly disadvantaged as I observe the suffering around me. I see men forgetting who they are, struggling daily to act like their fathers and the men who taught their fathers. I see the glorious power of women being trampled on by the fear and insecurity of men taught such things by their ancestors. I see children being victimized by those who love them the most as the shackles of ideology and culture are placed upon them, and see the wonderful wings of a child’s imagination clipped as they are taught they cannot be who they want to be, and they cannot do what they find great joy in doing.

Of course I generalize here, describing the things I see pejoratively in the largest part of the whole I have lived my entire life in. My memory brings back a time when I was a conservative white male and saw the world through those eyes.  My, how the victims I see now were the victimizers then.  My, how those with the least were trampled under the weight of my idea that they deserved to be.  I remember how the poor were unworthy of my help, and how my white, male self was being victimized by the poor simply because I was forced to help them.

Today, of course, I have evolved and see things much differently. I’ve been wealthy and have lived the life of a wealthy, white man. I’ve had a gorgeous wife, a big house, fancy cars and money to spare. Yet, like a short-necked giraffe I could not reach the sustenance I needed even as I stood on the summit of the American dream. The fruit I needed to live was on a much higher place than I could reach, so something needed to change.

So, as is the case for most of us, something much more powerful than I took over. I lost my financial wealth and was forced to downsize a life that had gotten out of control, a process that continues even now. I lost the gorgeous wife, the fancy cars, and now live in relative simplicity. The talents that helped me accumulate wealth are still there, but my focus is now on what brings me joy. I write, I think, I protest, I work and I live to love my children. My children are not an aside to my workday, my workday is an aside to them. I have discovered the love of people I would have never known in my “past life”. I’ve taken charity, I’ve received and I have learned. I’ve learned to let go. I’ve learned to tolerate.  Most of all, I’ve learned to forgive and accept while always realizing that my choices are my power.  There, I’ve learned much about responsibility that goes well beyond the type my ancestors taught me.

I may not die the millionaire I once sought to be, but I will die a wealthy man. I will die a liberated man no longer a slave to the story I once saw as “my truth”. Today, I see my truth in the fact that I am a perfectly fallible man, full of judgments and opinions and thoughts and ideas. I accept the fact that there are times when I will judge you harshly for your actions, but I also accept the fact that the gaps between such judgment and my forgiveness of it is narrowing quickly.  Perhaps that is the role of judgment, to make us examine the gaps between the lower vibrations within us and the higher ones we seek to feel and how quickly those gaps close.

Right now I look to compassion and love for solutions that used to come in dollars and cents (no, not sense).  I’m talking about real compassion and love, not the kind that says “I’m beating you with this stick because I love you,” or “starving people is compassion because it teaches them they need to fish.” Compassion, to me, is defined by what makes me smile in service of others, and love is defined by what raises those tiny little bumps on my skin. That’s all. It’s not about you as much as it is about me.

This is a new kind of selfishness that I define as a “pure and holy selfishness.”  Here, my neck must lengthen not for the good of the herd, but so I can reach that fruit at the top of the tree that will keep me alive so that I may do some good for the herd. Here, my arms must widen so that I can hug you tighter.  Here, I must be happy so that I can make you smile. It has to be about “me first” so that I can put YOU first. It’s a simple equation that goes something like this:

complicated equation

 

Ok, I’m just kidding.  Actually, it is more like this:

I(x) = U(x)

If “x” is happy, well then I am happy and you are happy. But I have to be happy first.  I can also make you upset if x= upset. See how easy that is?

I can even change your x simply by being a different x first and choosing to stay there. Yes, I now love math when it’s taught like this.

I can attest to the fact that this is not an easy road to travel. It’s rife with the pain and anguish many spend their time avoiding. I can understand the avoidance, and I know that when the Universe says it is time you will have no choice.  It may not happen in this lifetime or even the next, but it will happen when your soul is ready to experience something new we profoundly call, “the truth.” One day you will wake up, swallow the red pill, and the pathway will change. Enjoy the journey, it is nothing but wonderful once the fog lifts and the sunlight warms your heart.

Peace.

photo by: Franco Folini

It is Coming, It is Here.

Abstract Colorful Universe Wallpaper - TTdesignI am clearing space in my life.  I’m not sure for what, but I am sure that for some reason I am making room in my life for something that is not currently present in it. So, I go dutifully about my business instinctively, much like a bird making a nest or a wolf creating a den, without knowing what is coming or when it will arrive.

I wonder if I’ve always done this and am now simply aware of it, or if this is something new. I wonder as I watch the fruit fall from the tree of my life if it soon will be my time to ripen. In the silence of my breath I wonder quietly if I am the fruit at all, or simply discovering that I am, instead, the roots of the tree deeply connected with the Earth around me. Am I feeling the Earth as part of me now in a way that has never been? Or am I realizing that I am the Earth; Her streams, Her mountains, Her valleys, Her oceans and Her deserts?

I feel the sky in my stillness.  Am I no longer just the blossom, or the fruit, or the tree or its roots, or the Earth but also the sky? I feel myself as the breeze, the clouds, the raindrops, and the starry night sky.  I feel lighting come from my fingertips, and heat from my eyes. I feel the Sun burning from my heart and the moon from my Soul.

I feel as if I am the Sun.  Just being me, destructive and life-giving, loving to some and painful to others. All I can do is burn, in the way I was created, in the way I have become, and light the sky for some while burning the ground for others.

I sit here for a while, enjoying the warm light from within, the stars surrounding me, the emptiness engulfing me. In the green-hued mist of my stillness I feel it all, and I remember. Yes, I remember it all.  From seed to sapling, from sapling to tree, from tree to fruit, from fruit to root, from root to Earth, from Earth to sky, from sky to Sun, from Sun to here.  I feel the Universe blanketing me, surrounding me in full emptiness and beautiful aloneness. I can’t feel any separation here, only truth that I am all of it.  The sounds of silence tempered by the beating drums of eternal heartbeats fill my Soul with the rhythm of life, and I realize I am.

Now I return as that entirety sinks into that tiny Being we call “me” once again. I realize now that I am no longer just rooted in the Earth, but in everything I am. I love the scorched ground on which my light has shined just as I find joy in the lush meadows that would not ever have existed without me. I walk with a smile in the cracked creek beds that have dried in my presence and swim happily in the oceans teeming with life just because I am. I can make no apologies for either, for you are the creator of your own judgments on the matter. I can only be and let everything fall where it may.

Yeah.  I am instinctually creating space in my life. Something is coming. I don’t know what, and I don’t know when, but I can see clearly in my steadfast foundation that when it arrives I will be ready. I can’t make excuses, I can’t make words to describe what it is, but I feel it all around me as I bask in the light I was created to shine. I feel the puzzle fitting nicely into place. I feel the warmth and cold with equal love, and I feel the day and the night blanket me with equal care. It is coming.  It is here.

photo by: tomt6788

A Million Times Before

Don't fear the lightIt was like it was a million times before. He would dream of her, feeling her presence in some darkened place at some other time. He could not comprehend the waves of ecstatic energy that washed over him in the midst of his sleep, and he could not forget the pleasure of her touch as the pureness of their union reached them both in the deepest parts of their Being. He would be there, enjoying this love, basking in its sweat, swimming in its essence and wanting nothing more than its eternity.

She would look at him with eyes and kiss him with lips he could not see as she whispered words unspoken into his unfilled heart. He’d stir with a certain pleasure and begin to reach for her with a very human anticipation. In that moment the stillness would erupt into a blinding white light, and he would hear her scream his name as the light washed away the darkness, and that reality was replaced by a new, more human one.

Awakened, he’d open his eyes and look. There was nothing but empty space and crumbled sheets where he would swear he could still feel her. There was no sweat, and he could no longer taste her lips on his own.  He’d sigh that sigh that could not be stopped, and would then fall into the stillness that had opened his heart up to so much more.

He was alone but not lonely, wanting but not needing. In the green-hued light of his stilled mind he could feel that presence that had defined his dream. He wanted her, he sought her, and until that feeling would rise up within him in her presence he would not, he could not, stop. Seasons would come and seasons would go, but he knew that one day he would gently hold her face in his strong hands, kiss her lips, and whisper the simple words, “I’ve been waiting” into her ear as their bodies responded to destiny.  There, the light within them would explode, and they’d find themselves in a darkened room blinded but never seeing so clearly.

In that night he would dream as he had a million times before. In the darkness all around him he could feel her there, in this place at this time. He would feel the waves of ecstatic energy wash over him, and he would know them as old friends and ride them to their destination. He would feel the pleasure of her touch as the pureness of their union reminded him of their journey; touching them in the deepest parts of their Being.

He would stay there, enjoying this love, basking in its sweat while swimming in it essence and wanting nothing more than its eternity.And like a million times before he would be awakened, but this time there would be no light, no scream, and no empty space. This time, his eyes would open to see her face directly above his, her hands on his face, her eyes glued to his. She would then bend to his mouth and kiss him deeply.  She would move her body closer to him until she was on top of him as his hands began to lightly caress her back.

There the dull, aching fire within him would explode and he would feel it as he had a million times before. There he would know. The search for her had ended. He had not paused, and he had not quit. He had stayed true to the unknown course and remained steadfast to the commitment that he would not stop until this fire had been lit by two hands, one his and one hers. As her hand gently caressed the fire she had lit within him, their lips parted as she brought her own to his ear and whispered,

“I’ve been waiting too.”

In that wonderful union between Life and Love there is one simple truth among a host of lies. We cannot settle. When we do we find we suffer while closing ourselves off to infinite possibilities that surround us. Find that feeling, that fire within us and love it.  Cherish it. And be it, allowing it consume the lies; those notions, thoughts and beliefs of others that we often use to define us. Learn to trust what you feel in the purest places you visit within yourself. Understand your suffering as a path that can either lead you to your promised land or to an endless loop that only ends when you choose something greater.

Do not fall in love with the body alone. Do not fall in love with the mind alone. Do not fall in love with the spirit alone. Wait and be patient. Somewhere at some time you are destined to meet a torch-bearer that lights the fires within you, all of you. Be there and be present when she comes. Know yourself so that you can know others. Be yourself so others can be themselves. Be impeccable with your word and refuse to take things personally. Focus on the love, focus on the feeling, and accept it as you give it. Expect perfection even in the imperfections.

Don’t be afraid to be her torch-bearer too. Stand tall knowing that you were meant for her as well. Be yourself, and let her fall in love with the truth of you. Do not pretend, but trust her to know what she wants. Then let go, and let the truth set your fire free.

And, yes, I’ll be waiting.

photo by: Nicolas Hoizey

Crush (Songs of Inspiration 3) [somewhat mature]

~ O M G ~The things we do to get the perfect shot :))))

Lovely lady.

I am at your feet

God I want you so badly…

And thus this story begins. Purely, innocently, intently and with such meaning that one’s heart cannot begin to contain it to mere words on a stone. Or a paper. Or a screen. The sky itself is not large enough to contain this story, for as it is as vast as the Universe and as endless as the reach of Infinity’s imagination. It is as large as anything ever known, yet as small as the tiniest molecule on the smallest particle ever created.

It is a tiny spark that creates an explosion of unimaginable proportions. It is the first drop of water in an eternal rain, the first bolt of lightning in a beautiful thunderstorm, the first ray of light from a newborn star, and when you feel it you are humbled in your power, complete in your pieces, and secure in your uncertainty. You become a tree whose roots have no end, and you seek to be a victim no more.

Yes, Lovely Lady, I am at your feet. I am here, your Master and your Servant, your man waiting patiently for that moment when time and space have closed to nothing more than a  bead of sweat between us. I am here, and someday soon this guttural growl that grows within me will become a roar that explodes and echoes deep within you. You will feel me, and you will never be able to let me go.

I wonder this

Could tomorrow be

So wondrous as you there sleeping

I look at the empty spaces around me and within me and I wonder if the waves of desire and emotion that are speaking to my mind have you as their purpose. I wonder, sincerely, if the mild motions of absolute longing are guiding me toward that place where you lay. I wonder if you are laying there, touching yourself with me in your mind while your heart beats my name. I wonder as your eyes close and your soft lips part in your moment of ecstasy if it is me pleasing you through channels not yet known.

I wonder which walls you are willing to tear from their foundations to get to me. I wonder if the hammer you must wield is too heavy for you to bear. Do not worry my Love, I am here, and I am strong. Ask me and I will tear whatever must be torn to spend my nights gazing at the wonder of you sleeping there in that spot made empty by the very god that brought you to me. Whisper in my ear and I will slay any monsters that dare frighten you. Look into my eyes and I will stand there in awe, staring back into the very destiny I was created to know.

It’s crazy

I’m thinking

Just knowing that the world is round

Here I’m dancing on the ground

Am I right side up or upside down

Is this real or am I dreaming?

Time has tempered me, my Love. Each moment of joy and agony have brought the hammer down upon my molten heart for the sole purpose of getting me here. It is here, in the silence, that I hear the call of your voice, the Song of Your Soul. It is here, in the orange haze of the setting Sun, that I see the majesty of this moment’s gift to me. It is in your Song that my head begins to move without thought, and where my feet begin to beat with a drummer I have never met. It is here, on this spot, that I dance with a moment that gives birth to great possibility. Nothing seems to matter, nothing I’ve known seems real and nothing I’ve been taught seems necessary. Here the butterfly does not look back upon his cocoon with any need other than to know he is no longer there.

Here reality blurs into a dream and a dream becomes reality. Here I do not have a sense of purpose but rather know that my purpose is a sense. I can feel you, taste you, see and hear you as my nostrils caress the very notion of who you are. This is a truth, an intention, and a recognition that nothing I have ever known matters in this, the Universe that has exploded around us. My compass is no longer directed by true North, but by the very spot on which you stand.

Lovely lady

Let me drink you please

I won’t spill a drop I promise you

So I will walk, swim, run, sail, fly to that point which my compass points and there you will be, waiting, smiling, ready. We find the very truth in our kiss and in the way our touch sends bolts of lightning through the depths of our souls. You will wipe the dust from my body and quench my thirst as I drink you down. Your legs will part like the sky and the sea, and my mouth will be the winds that churn your body into a raging, beautiful mess. You will scream oaths of pleasure, and your body will demand more of me that I have ever given. And I will promise you more, and make a demand of my own.

Each moment

The more I love you

Crush me

Come on

Oh yeahhhhhh

I command more. I demand more, and you give it to me. I take you beyond the stars into a place where time and space no longer survive. Gone are the whims of man and beast replaced by the simple, indescribable pleasure of Love, Devotion, and endless ecstasy. You bring me beyond myself into a realm of raging tranquility. Come on baby, crush me, take me, I am…

Yours.

Come on baby, crush me, feel me, never let me go. Feel me tickle the depths of you as I let you in. Feel me touch that very part of you left virginal by a life deprived of this revolution.

Come on baby, crush me, taste me as I devour you. Then take me as I come back for more.

It’s times like these

When my faith I feel

And I know how I love you

Come on

Lady

It’s crazy

I’m thinking

Just as long as you’re around

And here I’ll be dancing on the ground

Am I right side up or upside down

To each other we’ll be facing

By love we’ll beat back the pain we’ve found

You know

I mean to tell you all the things

I’ve been thinking deep inside

My friend

With each moment the more I love you

Crush me

Come on

So much you have given love

That I would give you back again and again

Meaning I’ll hold you

And please let me always

This song needs to be sung. Now. Here. Everywhere. Love too often takes a backseat to the whims and guesses of men who have no idea what love is. Let’s teach them and laugh as we leave them shaking their heads in shocked bewilderment. Let me, always, play the music within my heart and dance to my own rhythm. Let me break the shackles that have bound us to the ordinary, and fly with me to a place outside, where life begins in the simple promise that rules not need exist in hearts that beat as one. Hold me in a devoted space while soaring high above the lies and deception that defines the world around us. Let’s float among the waves in an ocean that has been saved just for us and know me as your man, your lover, and that piece of your soul that was never truly gone.

Yes, crush me and let your wild beast free.  Break open my skin with a wildness that leaves pieces of me under your nails. Bite me, scar me, claim me for your own as I freely give you everything I have to give. Let’s make the word “fuck” a symbol of undying love and devotion. Let’s change the world to one that can bask freely in pleasure and joy simply by being who we are, together.

I await you, my Love, patiently but with a sense of urgency. Know that when I enter you for the first time in this promise of Now nothing will ever be the same. Everything will change, forever, and together we will crush doubt and fear in the weight of our devotion, and we will crush the norm in the sheer strength of our desire. We are, near.