Inspired by the song ‘Black‘ by Pearl Jam. I find it to be one of most poetic and beautiful songs ever written.
I lay alone in the morning twilight, sharing the evening’s dew with the grass now buried under my bare skin. I lay alone, sometimes by choice, and sometimes against my will, but alone I lay. I can almost see her imprint in the grass, almost see the crushed remains that testify to her existence. I am, though, utterly alone.
There are memories of when the Sun seemed so joyous, when the morning was a continuance of the love made the night before. I can remember the faint scent of her, how warm she felt under me, how beautiful she looked above me. I can still feel her hand clenching at my own, her fingernails leaving little trails of pleasure on my skin.
It was like yesterday, or a million yesterdays ago. In fact, I’m not even sure it was in this lifetime. Yet I remember, and it is in the memory of her then that I feel so alone now. I have yet to be redeemed.
“And now my bitter hands chafe beneath the clouds of what was everything.”
Echoes of a past lived. Or at least I think. It’s all too real to be imagined, but imagined still it seems to be. Where did I lose myself? When did I lose you? When did my once full, loving hands become bitter, empty vessels? I can’t know, it was some time in some place perhaps not governed by a clock or a space but rather a feeling. Perhaps I knew you before I found my place in the womb, perhaps you knew me before I was me.
These dreams, haunting me so. I see your face, teasing me with beauty and love I cannot find beneath the clouds. I am a lost soul found in darkness. I am a light not yet known to the world around me. I see the lines of your breasts in the faint morning light. I want to touch you, to kiss, but as I reach out you fade to mist like the fog that shrouds my tomorrow. Like the veil that hides my yesterday.
“…and twisted thoughts that spin ’round my head…
…I’m spinning…I’m spinning”
Once anger was my friend. Once fear was my ally. I had lost myself there. Between the yesterday’s fear and today’s me I faced a bridge of numbness. Of no feeling. Of wanting to feel something or to end it all. There was no feeling for me in the joy of my children. There was no love in me in our embrace. It was time to…go.
That night would be it. There would be no more mornings. I had seen my last sunrise, tasted my last morning air. Still nothing in the realization; there was no feeling in the knowledge that it would soon all be over. It would just be. Over.
Plans were made, things set in motion. It was time. Finally.
“I take a walk outside, I’m surrounded by some kids at play. I can feel their laughter. So, why do I sear?”
I remember walking. Alone. I’ve always been alone, even when I was surrounded by a crowd. There would be no audience here. Goodbye, my little ones, forever remember to feel. Feel everything around you. Show your light, never hide it from anyone. Remember me, and shed no tears. Your father knew, and he lived, and he went quietly when it was his time.
“How quick the Sun can drop away…”
The chilled night air, lit by man’s nuisance lights and darkened by his lack of empathy, embraced me. I felt no cold or discomfort, nor heat or comfort. More nothing. I’m sick of nothing. Or at least I would be if I could feel sick of anything. I’ll walk a bit, arrive at my spot, and say good night forever.
Somewhere, it could be written that I was a man walking toward his destiny. Somewhere, it could surmised that the way ahead was darkened by the fires I was lighting behind me, burning everything that I knew forever.
“All the love gone bad, turned my world to Black, tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I’ll be.”
I am ready. Forever isn’t so long. I remembered you now, I’ll remember you then. I remember laughing a strange, unfeeling laugh of relief or something like it. It was time.
As I began, I looked around me. There were so many memories here. Laughter. Joy. Watching my beloved little ones play at this very spot. Suddenly, a lonely tear fell.
“Fuck, I can’t do this here.”
I was pissed. I started screaming at the ether. I cursed the stars that peeked at me through the winter clouds. I had thought of everything, but I had not thought of this. Anger. Where did it come from? Why was it here?
“Fuck you,” I shouted at the sky. “I will get this done. You can’t stop me.”
I searched for a means to my end. I looked, nothing seemed right. Nothing would work. I walked and walked, aimlessly it seemed, continually cursing the very ground I walked on. Nothing was working, or so it seemed, so I continued walking until….
“I know some day you’ll have a beautiful life, I know you’ll be a star in somebody else’s sky but why, why, why, can’t it be…why can’t it be mine?”
Somehow, someway, I ended up right where I had started. I have no idea how I got there, but I was home, with everything that I had lost and everything that I had made painted before me in one, single, window pane. I was on the outside looking in, a fitting metaphor for the life I had lived. I fell to my knees and cried. I cried and I cried until I fell forward in the snow. My swollen face relished the cold, my wounded heart bathed in chill.
It was all so different, my prone form shivering in the night, my breath made white against the dimly lit air. I was feeling again, differently. In the sliver of a moment an epiphany, in a millisecond came a new reality.
I must love….me.
I must be responsible for…me.
I must take ownership of…me.
I had finally crossed that bridge, from one land of suffering into another of discipline and realization. When I suffered, I knew why. When I hurt, I did not condemn. When I felt alone, my empty hand reached for the other. I began to let go.
It was then that I remembered. I remembered the morning dew-stained grass. I remembered your head nestled against my shoulder, your fingertips tracing light circles on my chest. I remember our legs embraced, and the heat of our bodies making dew of its own.
I smiled, not knowing if what I felt was some past remembrance or some distant reality. I’ve walked my days since in love with you, waiting. I’ve been impatient at times, patient at others, and I’ve turned over many stones along the way. I’ve sat in wild oases and walked through barren deserts, each step just one more closer to that place where you lay.
I will lay down next to you, and you will move closer. We’ll know the sunlight on our form as we make love until the Sun sets and rises again. We’ll know, finally, where our paths have intersected, and our moments will become memories to be shared at some later life, some later place, in some later time. An eternal moment, the here and now created for the there and then. Our moments made together, forever.
When all that’s black will be shown to light, and all that’s light will be known to black. In our hands we’ll hold, and in our hearts we’ve told, each other’s story in a kiss.