The Truth ↔ Continues
To wander through this life without ever really discovering who you are is a sin. Pain allows you to see it clearly if you simply stop focusing on the pain and find what it reveals. Imagine falling asleep in such despair only to find your dreams are within you. You can hear your lover’s voice again, you can see her clearly nestled against you. She loves you so much, with such a truth and strength that lets you know you will never walk alone.
Yes, you laugh, you stand straighter, you fly in your dreams. Your soul speaks to you there, it lets you know what you need to know in order to find faith. Some faith. In some thing.
I found faith in me in this moment. It will be tested as I walk alone through the dark pathways of my mind. It will be shaken as time unfolds this destiny. Yet I know, actually I still think, I am loved but it’s becoming more clear. In my dreams I know it, not just because of her hand in mine or her body suggesting nothing else is possible, but because I know it. Period. I am loved because I love myself. Or at least I am beginning to.
This is not to say that she doesn’t matter. This is not to say that the tears rolling down my cheeks aren’t real. It is to say that because I know what love feels like with her that I know I want to feel that for me. Yes, I want to love me.
Imagine that no matter what I do I can still accept me.
Imagine not hating myself.
Imagine knowing I am good enough to hold your attention.
Imagine riding on the train of our lives together and being secure enough to simply tell you, “I want you next to me…” and knowing you will come. That there is no test, there is only love.
I can imagine all of those things, and I want them. I will have them. The little boy is loved, this young man is loved, I am loved. By me. And then hopefully, by you.
The phone rings.
Yes, it is a gift to hear your voice. I asked and I received.
Love can show itself when you need it most. It has and I accept. When the ebb and flow of the mind tosses you around like a goldfish in the sea it is love, trust, that gets you to the shore if it is the shoreline that you seek. It will also have you crashing into the rocks if it is the rocks you seek. Whatever you ask for you receive, and whatever you seek you will find.
So now I love that little boy in me, the one who never felt it from anywhere, and I say, “come with me buddy, let’s go get a workout in.” I won’t reject him again as so many others have. He will feel a love unending. He will feel acceptance that has no bounds. He did nothing wrong. He is awesome. He is greatness personified.
Yes, as I type that the release is tremendous. Tears flow like a waterfall. Cries come from somewhere within me. I realize I hurt there more than anywhere. That poor boy, he is beautiful, kind, loving, funny and did nothing wrong. He didn’t deserve anything he got. Now, he is being loved for the first time in any memory.
That little boy smiles and laughs with excitement at the suggestion. You love me he says…yes I do I reply. He hugs me and I hug him. Tightly. We aren’t letting go. I am sorry I let you down he says. Tears are my reply. I’m sorry I wasn’t better he says. You were great is my answer. You were strong. You didn’t fail. You won’t fail. He sobs like I’ve never seen another human being sob. I wanted to be perfect he says. I wanted to make them happy, make you happy. Why didn’t anyone love me? What did I do? Nothing I say. You did nothing. They did it. It was them, not you. Don’t own what they did, give it back to them. Wrap it in a nice box with nice paper and give it back to them. It’s theirs. Not ours. We have each other, you and I. And we are perfect.
I start to sob uncontrollably. Yes, I love this little boy. I love me. We may have to delay our trip to the gym…swollen, bloodshot eyes don’t necessarily go over well in a public setting. For now, I will just hold me and love me and begin the process of giving back what is not mine and claiming what is. Me and this little boy are ready. Turning around and taking a step is still taking a step forward.
We have found each other here among the tears and the tattered remains of what was. We feel strong, and know that we have much to be grateful for. The river that Love set in motion beckons us, and we are ready to dive in. We look at each other squarely in the eyes. I ask, what shall we name this place?
Hope is his reply. So, Hope it is.