There once was a little spark. It dared to be, without the need to fight for survival. It didn’t seek need to define itself, or seek approval outside of itself. It simply was.
The little spark did not ask for permission to exist, or look for rights or wrongs in the space where it existed. It was born in a certain kind of emptiness, in a relative darkness, and sought for nothing except itself. It lived as it was, and it chose itself over the way things always seemed to be. It paid no attention to the rules where it existed, it gave no honor to the darkness that tried to kill it. It lived for itself, and in its quest for life it gave all it was to the only thing it knew.
As itself, and in itself, that little spark turning nothing into something, and gave life where none existed. That single, tiny spark that dared to be, that single flicker of light that chose to illuminate the darkness, gave birth to an entire Universe.
That is where I find my love. In that certain kind of emptiness that came before her, in that relative darkness that was before she arrived, a tiny spark was born that now sets the night sky ablaze. In each Sunrise, in each passing ray of light, I am reminded of her and the blessing of that tiny spark that changed everything.
It is more than love that lights our way. Sometimes it’s fate, or chance, or destiny. Sometimes the darkness gives us the ability to see the spark, and sometimes the spark returns us to our wonderful, morning light. There we can awaken, stretch our tired form, and find the day full of wonderful possibilities.
I love you…
Says the Old Man on the Corner, his tattered, worn clothing hanging from his withered flesh.
“What would you give up to lose that last I love you?”
Startled, I could only muster a, “What do you mean?”
“What is worth the moment of anger within you? What is worth ignoring the love you feel? What is worth giving up what could be your last, loving words to someone you love?”
“Nothing,” I replied. “I guess nothing.”
“Then why would you? Why would you fail to honor what you hold so dear? Why would you cast away a torch in favor of the darkness? Why would you risk it all on what is nothing but an illusion?”
I had no answer, and could only stand there in silence, and suddenly the dollar bill I held in my hand seemed hardly enough.
“I once had it all,” he continued. “I loved her so very much, but our demons got in the way. I stormed away from her in anger, in love but angry, not knowing that she’d be gone. Now, all I have is this piece of concrete on which I sit, this empty cup, and the memory of all I’ve lost.”
“Did she leave you?” I asked as I sat next to the Old Man on the Corner.
“Yes. I left her in my anger, and she stormed away in her own. She died not far from where we lived, where I saw her last, where I forgot how much I loved her. I died too, although I have been sentenced to this hell for my sin.
So, tell me, what are you willing to give up to lose it all?”
“I’m not sure I know what you mean.”
“Please, son,” he said. “I can see it in your face. The hurt. The pain. The wanting to be special. But I can also see the love, the desire, the want in your heart. Which one do you choose?”
“I don’t know.” Tears started to well up within me.
“We all have pain in us, my boy,” he continued. “We all want our wounds touched with love, to be proven special to the one we hold so dear. Is that what you want?”
“Of course. I guess so. Life hasn’t been so easy for me. I just want something to be easy, to be so beautiful that it all seems so worth it. I want to love, to be loved, and never question my place in her world. I just want the dream to be real, the question to be answered.”
The Old Man uttered a short laugh. Not one that seemed dismissive, but one that seemed to suggest an understanding.
“I know. I’ve been there. You’ll figure it out. Just don’t give up, don’t lose the very thing you want the most because of the thing that once was. Try not to lose focus on the love you feel in your heart. You never know when that last ‘I love you’ will come. You never know when you will lose everything.”
“You are a very wise man,” I said.
“With pain and experience comes wisdom. Hopefully. Some of us never learn until it is too late. Don’t be one of us.”
I took out my wallet, replacing the dollar with a twenty.
“Keep it,” he said. “Buy her something from your heart. Tell her a story. Give her a kiss, hug her tightly. Remind her how much you love her. You will then remind yourself. That’s all the payment I need.”
I got up, and thanked the Old Man for his wisdom, and his time.
“Take care,” he said, “and let me know how it goes. If I don’t see you again, I’ll be happy. You would have come here for a reason. A good, loving reason.”
I turned, and walked away, wondering if one day I would be the Old Man on the Corner, yet knowing that I could certainly write my own story.
I’m cannot tell you. It’s impossible. I’m completely unable. It’s beyond possibility.
I’ve lost all ability to describe, to articulate, to state my case. Words escape me, they’ve lost the power to provide meaning, to show scope, to correctly paint the picture in my heart. For a man who uses words to bring his dream alive, I am totally out of sorts.
I hear your voice and I want to scream to the heavens, but there are no words. I try, but my vocabulary fails. I want to give you my heart, but my mind cannot grasp the waves of emotion pulsing throughout me. I want to share with you my soul, but my humanness lies helpless in the sea of feelings, unable to give you what I hold most sacred.
I need to kiss you, to hold your hand, to love you in the glorious flicker of our loving flame. I want to whisper in your ear, speak to you through my fingertips, offer you the deepest parts of me that are too heavy for words alone to carry. I want to feel your weight bear down on me, hear you say my name in the darkness of our sleep, feel your warmth in the moments the sun shall rise.
The words escape me, my dear. My brush has gone dry though my palette is overflowing. My canvas is empty though the colors run through my entirety. I’m lost in my own discovery, found in the avalanche of truth the very thought of you pours all over my Being. I am an alpha in a sea of pups, though I’ve lost my bark. I am helpless save the strength of the reality that flows through my fingers, the power that beats through my heart, and the clarity that has washed all over me.
I wish I could do more, write a beautiful prose or paint a masterpiece that does you the honor you deserve. I am, however, powerless in the face of the truth, benign in the presence of the love welling up inside me. I must just lay here, silent and forever failing to tell you my honest truth.
Love. What a wonderful experience, what a certain moment! I think I’ll enjoy being so small, and surrender to our unity. I think I’ll bask in the glow of a certainly uncertain future, the unbroken promise, the unspoken truth and the undeniable openness. I think I’ll just wait for the flower to bloom and its sweet fragrance to fill this space. I may go crazy in the process, but I’ll be patient in my restlessness. I’ll explode in silent containment, the great fire within me will seem a tiny spark.
Except to you. You will see it all, because though the words escape me we tell each other everything. Sometimes that’s just the way it is, for love has a vocabulary of its own. We speak that language well, though I fumble with the ink that always seems to dry before it hits your paper.
Soon I’ll be writing with a different pen, painting with a different brush. We won’t need many words then, though I am sure they’ll flow easily between us. Then the words that escape me will not escape you, and the love we share will light the evening sky like a million suns all speaking words of their very own.
In this moment that seems to have lasted forever, I find the words that matter. The only words that find their way from my heart. I love you…and in the end I guess I’ve said it all.
There are moments of true grandeur in our lives, when the realm of hope and desire meet the substance of reality. We often bask in the light of such a moment, realizing fully the fears of finally reaching it, and the hope that it will not fade or meet its end. It’s a dawn and a twilight, a death and a resurrection, all in one.
When we meet our destiny, there is a realization in the meeting. We realize our darkest thoughts, and our hopeful remedies. We come face to face with our mortality as well as our eternity in the same second, and we feel our scars and our recovery in the essence of where we stand. We remember the falls, the stumbles, and the moments of our glorious rising when we hold her hand, feel her gaze, and taste her kiss.
I realize all I’ve lost to get to her, and that I’ve lost nothing in our meeting. I look at the bruises on our hearts, only to discover the strong beat beneath. I cry tears of desire, hear songs of great intention, and suddenly the very undercurrent of my life has changed. I can hear the love in the air, feel the desire in the sand, and smell the sweet fragrance of forever in the clean, mountain air.
What would I change in a hard life if it meant I’d never see your face? What light would I share in the dark moments if it meant I’d never have the chance to love you? What different turn would I make, what illness would I avoid, and what pain would I seek relief from if it meant I’d never know your name?
The truth is I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d suffer in the darkness knowing you were coming. I’d face the dizziness, the loss of all that I knew just to share with you this moment. I’d face the challenges and rise above them all over again, just to get to you. I am who I am because my life has sculpted me, but I’ve been sculpted to be your lover, forever. I would not stop one hammer strike upon the chisel, nor beg forgiveness for a single thing that has led me to your arms.
In the paradox of destiny we my falter, but we rise up to meet our truth in the arms of the One we love. In the journey we may land on our knees, but we stand and dust ourselves off in order to hold each other in the night. In the human sea we may grow tired and slip beneath the surface, but we fight and reach each other on the shore.
It is there that I have found you, my true love, my best friend. I have loved you in my anonymity and cared for you in my distance, always feeling you vibrate in my soul. I have ridden a great wave to find you, to hear you say the words, “I love you”, and to finally say the great oath we both have lived to hear.
So, I stand, hands extended and arms wide open, just to hold you close. The iron will within me, forged from the fires of life’s own hell, now serves the sacred love we share. My open heart, once cracked wide open by a million painful memories, now stands filled with the truth of your arrival. You are the destination I’ve been heading for, but you are certainly not the end of the journey.
We have our journey now. What was once his and hers is now theirs. What was once separate is now together, what was once apart is now whole. There is no oath we need say because we are the oath, there are no vows we need write because our love is the vow. We will make them, for sure, but only as a prayer of gratitude to the very Winds that brought us together, the very destiny we have been born to know. The rest we have written in the stars, in our intertwined fingers, and in our lips that never, ever want to part.
I now look upon the scars carved into my soul and kiss them in gratitude. I look upon the dark moments and embrace them, for I know now where they are taking me. I will bask in the warmth of hell’s foundries where I’ve grown, for this steel was forged for you. I give thanks to it all, for without even a single thorn I would not have found the rose.
Lovers. They hold a certain torch, and they light a certain fire. When they find each other, lovers who were once solitary characters along their dimly lit trails suddenly hold the very light they have sought, the very flame they may have once given up on.
In the realm of a loving man’s surety lies a darkened pool of uncertainty in which he bathes. Even the firmest ground beneath his feet has cracked at one time or another, and smaller requests than have been placed on his beloved have gone unrequited in his life. Sometimes, his heart may ask too much, and sometimes his eyes simply must adjust to the darkness.
Wishes are, for the most part, not foreign to the loving man. He wishes for a hand to hold, for a warm embrace on a chilly, desert night. He sees his life before his eyes and searches for the one who sees her life, before her eyes, searching for him. He knows her when he sees her, as he quietly goes about his business. His mind raises its objections, his heart quiets down the chaos, and he accepts the flow as it is. To fight the cracking rock beneath his feet is insanity, but to fight for his own survival is certainly what he was built to do.
At some point, when the two lovers meet, her survival becomes his survival. Life to him means their life, her happiness becomes their happiness. He’ll cast his demons aside to help her fight her own, and he’ll shiver naked in the night, having given her his clothing to keep her warm. She will, in turn, feel his body quake, and she’ll respond with the love that lights his heart on fire, as the evening chill turns to morning sweat upon his wanting flesh.
Lovers aren’t immune to the shifting sands of a changing shoreline, or the fractured, crumbling rocks that come at them from those places just beyond their reach. Lover’s aren’t absent of fear inspired by the darkened corners of the caves they explore together, or those frightening shadows that reside in the space we call the unknown. Lovers have, however, that torch that they have found and that light that they have sparked. They hold that torch, each with one hand, united in the single purpose that makes it all a bit less dangerous. They, as two, hold a single torch that unites them, a power most glorified in the entirety of the Universe.
When the firmest ground cracks beneath them, one finds solid footing and holds the other firmly there. When the hailstones fall from up above, one shelters the other from the storm. When the darkness falls they grasp their torch as one and light the way ahead. They are an indestructible force for which there is no immovable object, an eternal spring that no drought can ever diminish.
Therein may lie the secret that lovers know. Perhaps it’s not the torch that holds the power, but the two hands that hold it. Perhaps it’s not the light that ends the darkness, but the two hearts who have lit it. Perhaps it’s not the firm ground that offers security, but the two who embrace upon it. Safety may be nothing but an illusion, but lovers know its strength when they rise in love to find it.
To her, I say, “I love you”. To the winds I ask they carry us where we belong. To the sky I say “hello” and to the fears within me I say “be prepared. I now have a torch for which there is no equal.”
Though words rarely escape me, I sit here speechless at the thought of you. Words can be so hollow in the absence of expression. Intent can be so meaningless without your hand in mine, without your breath filling my lungs with joy.
Soon, in the blessed way it happens, something speaks to me. I hear your name in the conversation, as my heart beats your name and my soul allows the echo. Without hesitation my mind reacts. Hurry, my love, I need you. It’s been a lifetime since I’ve held you…
Through the years I’ve watched you. I’ve said I love you countless times to nothing but air, and I’ve cared for you in my heart in an endless stream of love and gratitude. I’ve marveled at your sharing, and sat mesmerized as your beautiful blue eyes cut right through my armor, and nestled nicely in my soul.
I’ve since shared the words my heart would have said to you back then, had I only knew you’d listen. I’ve told you of the visions where you’ve lived, the spaces you had grown, and the music that you created in my world. I’ve colored landscapes with your beauty, found peace in knowing you exist, and felt empty in the moments you weren’t there. I’ve always felt your presence, and I’ve always felt your absence in the solitary trails, and lonely walks that took me to a space I’d sit alone, marveling in a view I always wished you could see.
I’d try to play in places where I could, find you in things that I could touch, failing each and every time. I’d believed that nothing was working out, even as my settled soul knew better. Taking another step along this journey was a success unto itself, and it never meant that the last footfall was a failure. It simply was necessary in my journey to you, my beloved, my soul’s forever partner.
That is where the magic happens. Human minds can distort the purest story, and can create shadows in even the most well-lit places. We pull the reins on horses that want to gallop, and hold back waters that wish to flow, simply from the fear of what could happen. We are creatures of fear, often hiding from the most wondrous events of our lives, often dying without having ever tasting the joys that loving recklessness can offer.
You and I have none of that. In your light, I shine, and in my light you beg yourself forward in the change. The perfection of our flow, the harmony of our magic, all conspiring with our desire to send us to our destiny. The way our thoughts, desires, and hopes have always matched speaks to a connection written in the stars. It cannot be ignored, and in our time it refused to be forgotten.
Lifetimes ago I met you, and here we are reuniting in the river of our lives. The current demands we hold each other tightly, and the waters require we never part. We’ll laugh in the calmest waters, and rise to hold each other steady when the rapids come. When I thirst you are my drink, and when you hunger I am the nourishment you seek. We have all we need in the river where we are, and all we seek remains within between the shorelines, where destined souls bathe each other in love, and shower each other in the desire only the truest lovers know.
That’s where we are, in the pureness of our sacred space, knowing we what we have always known. For years we’ve played apart, waiting for what would bring us together. That time has come, my love, never to cave to the follies of the mind, never to be apart again.
Together we bask in love, and in that shared realization the skies have opened, the waters have been warmed, and we swim in our trusted flow. There we will be, forever bathing in the beauty of our flow, and trusting in the places we will visit. If you wish to find us, just follow that river and watch us in our destiny.
I am, in love.
The winds are howling outside my window, their music echoing through the silent chambers where I write. The setting Sun paints its art upon the sky, as I watch the trees bend to the mercy of the gods. These days, these events, these moments, all so very clear, all made real in the reality of you.
Yes, I am in love.
In the madness of my lover’s mind, I want you close. I want to feel you in our space, touch you in this reality, hear you in the certain songs that make our evenings what they are. I want to write with you touching my wild places, resting in those sacred spaces I have saved for you, loving those wounds that only served to brings us together.
In the sanity of a man, I need you here. I need to feel you in my arms and smell your hair in our embrace. I need to feel you in my slumber, as our hands touch throughout the night. I need to sense you in my waking moment, kiss you in my morning sun, and see you embrace every space we call our home.
I am blessed, and I know. Together, we’ve thrown away our neighbor’s sanity for a special type of craziness. Together we’ve stood tall against the norms, and knelt to our heart’s desire. Together, we will dance into tomorrow, to own music, writing a story few can understand but all wish to tell.
We’ve waited for so long, together and apart, to be where we now stand. We’ve sat alone with thoughts of one another, conspiring with our Universe to one day speak our truth. We’ve come together, finally, speaking the same language in the same ways at the exact right time, with nothing but love and care and beautiful recognition in our hearts. We’ve fallen together, not like stars to an earthen grave, but more like eagles that dare fall to the heavens above.
The perfection of those moments, of those steps we’ve taken to this here and now, speak of sacred intentions a lifetime in the making. I have never been more sure, never felt so certain, and I have never wanted anything as much as I want you, here, now.
We’ve spent a lifetime searching for each other. Though there are challenges we shall face, we’ve already done the hard part. We’ve toiled in things, played in the rubble, tossed through sleepless nights and sometimes fell into the sand. Yet, we’ve continued on, finding our souls on lonely trails, falling in love with our hearts on tops of our own, tall mountains. We’ve survived, my love, for this very moment in time. We’ve continued onward to meet in this very space. Yes, we’ve already done the hard part, and though challenges may lie ahead, they are nothing compared to the purpose for which we’ve been brought together.
I am in love. With you.
I felt you coming before your arrival. I sensed you standing just on the other side of a great waterfall. I closed my eyes and plunged into those falls, and when I opened them you were there, looking for me too. That embrace, that moment when our souls recognized each other, was the very moment a universe was born.
There seems to be some rambling going on. I chuckle at the notion that a man in love can just ramble in the ecstasy. We stand here, one journey ending as another begins, knowing we’ll never look back on the moments before our two paths became one. I’ve heard you, baby, and I am here. I am not going anywhere.
Perhaps, now, for just a moment, silence. Feel this love power through the ether. Let it envelope you, hold you, care for you, as you stand next to me in our dreams.
I am here. Because. I am in love.
It is because I love you that I offer myself to you, like the seeds of a dandelion. Blow on me, make your wish, and watch me fly to where the wind shall take me.
Fear not, my dear, for I have no fear in this. I trust the wind, and I trust the one who has set me free. My sweet love has opened me, and now I glide with the breeze of my life knowing where I land she will be there, as fertile soil, and I will grow within you, you within me.
Be still, I am coming, and I am still being carried to you. Hold me, we shall grow together.
I see a flowered field, fed beautifully by the light rains of spring. There, the romance of butterflies and the lust of bees reign, and a moment of hope is born.
She is sitting there, carefully enjoying the scents around her, while listening intently on the nature around her. The softly bubbling brook behind her highlights the music in her heart, and suddenly I can see nothing else around her.
My gait becomes slower until, at last, I pause. My legs are not used to the stillness, and my chest is not used to the reminder.
She has stolen my breath, and with it the last vestiges of sanity.
There is nothing that separates us, save the wall of flowers so cleverly sent before me. I try to mark my path, seeking the divides between the randomness laid before me. She sees me, too, and begs me onward. Lovers sometimes meet that way.
The distance seems meaningless, inconsequential in the power of this moment. Yet, we need to bridge it. We know that space and time matter, yet not as much as the moment we have found. She calls to me, I answer, together we will find out way.
She stands. I smile, knowing finally I will not have to solve this thing along. Suddenly, my journey has become our journey. Suddenly, my steps have become our steps. “I am coming!” I hear her shout. “I’ll meet you there!” I shout back, not really knowing where “there” really is.
We carefully begin those steps, not wanting to destroy an ounce of the beauty all around us. It seems that nature responds in her way, as the flowers seems to part, the creatures seem to scurry, and the birds seem to tease us onward to our destiny. With each step, a flower kisses us gently, each moment forward provides a scent we will remember.
Yes, finally, she is in my arms. We kiss, and suddenly the Sun feels warm. We embrace, and suddenly I feel the light again.
“I’ve been waiting for you,” she says, repeating the words echoing in my heart. I would never imagine such a beauty would be waiting for me, but I know her words were true.
“My love,” I reply, the words suddenly escaping my comprehension. I need not speak, I can feel her reading them in my soul, and I find myself reading them in hers.
I don’t feel lonely much in my time alone. Aloneness has given me the space to dive deep, to feel the essence of the power of my own intention. It has made me strong and, more importantly, showed me my own strength. Strength, I’ve learned, has little to do with muscles save one. It resides within your chest.
Aloneness is what has brought me to this meadow, and fear is what has kept me from it. Along the way I’ve met the fearful ones, those who wear the masks of something deep while bathing in something shallow. I’ve danced with those who are so consumed by their own darkness as to become lovers of it, desperately describing the light they have found. I’ve played in the shallows, looking for something more, my observations never a judgement of others, but more of an understanding of me.
Such was the gift of failure, the gift of emptiness. She was here, in my arms being strongly held, being protected from the eventuality of autumn. I could feel her own testament, her own gratitude in the wild footsteps she had taken, knowing in my arms is where she belongs.
She looked up at me, directly in my eyes. “Be damned the winter,” she whispered. “We are here.”