What should I think? I try to think like all the others, overlooking things and turning them into nothing much. I try to shrug off certain things, things that used to be no big deal, nothing much, too little to care about.
But I can’t. I’ve lived in the shallow end of pools both big and small. I’ve tried to create nothing out of something, seeing wonders I’d pretend were ordinary. Once I could pretend snowy mountains and ocean sunrises inspired no great emotion in me. I thought that normal, and in that time and space of my life I just wanted to be “normal”.
Yet there is an alchemist in me. Something that wants to appreciate the things of this life that inspire me, both great and small. It could be just a word from my love, or a planet visible in the night sky, or a shooting star, or even just the way a calm lake can mirror the great artistry around it.
The little things that may be lead to some are gold in my heart. The way your eyes light up when you smile. The way your hair looks when you wake up in the morning. The way you look all curled up on the sofa, gray blanket hugging your form.
It could be something as small as the way you put on chapstick, or enter a room like a wondrous tornado on a mission. Perhaps it is in how I like finding your hair clips laying around, or even the way you load the dishwasher.
It could be the bigger things. The way you love those around you. Maybe it is the delicious way you cook a meal, and the warmth I feel as I take in every bite. Then there is the way I feel when your head finds its way to my chest, or your fingers snake around my own.
Life can’t get much bigger than all of these things. Trust me, when a man has starved for the air he breathes he never takes any breath, big or small, for granted. He wants them all. He even wants those moments between breaths because they remind him of absence he has known. Especially when he knows the next breath is coming.
There is a wonder to such an appreciation. I have also learned to appreciate the absence of things big and small. That absence reminds me of the beauty of their return. It allows me to flow in the appreciation of things I love, of things I pray never leave for long.
So, on this day I sit in appreciation for the experience of things big and small, and for the alchemist in me that creates great waves of gratitude, appreciation, and attention to all things of love big and small. Yes, it matters. Yes, it always will.